ArcaMax

You never forget your first resume. The excitement. The anticipation. The lies.

Sure, you were a front-line, business-development representative with bottom-line P&L responsibility, specializing in supply-chain management based on customer-satisfaction metrics. In other words, you were a carhop at Rude Rudy's Burger Babylon.

You never forget your last resume, either. I refer to the resume you have hidden on your laptop, ready to be released to the waiting world the next time your manager gives you the fish eye.

You've polished that secret resume to a jewel-like shine, but when it comes to getting you hired, you still have doubts it will do the job. You're not wrong to worry. According to the 2025 Resume Statistics report from Enhancv, "more than 75% of resumes are rejected by Applicant Tracking Systems before they even reach a human being."

If you want to play it safe, Enhancv has suggestions for you, which they sent to me, which I now pass on to you, slightly mangled by me. Follow their advice if you're smart. Follow my advice if you dare.

No. 1: PDF is King (mostly)

85% of recruiters prefer receiving your resume as a PDF file. It's a format that reduces formatting issues possible with Word files. It's also easily emailed to other recruiters, so more complete strangers can laugh at your puny qualifications.

My advice is to write your resume out in long-hand. This way, you can add emotionality by drawing hearts around your key attributes, like your love of kittens and fuzzy-wuzzy caterpillars. Use at least three different color inks, sprinkle with glitter and dose with YSL Libre Intense Eau de Parfum.

Match that, PDF!

No. 2: The Skills Section is Underestimated

According to the survey, 58% of recruiters "spend most of their time looking at the skills section." If your resume is composed of tired, typical abilities, like analytical thinking and active listening, spruce it up with more interesting skills. Since it will take real magic for you to be hired, lean into it. Promise to use your abilities of divination, alchemy and spell-casting to boost the bottom line. (If hired, you will need henbane, mandrake and lots of newts, but all that can go on the expense account.)

No. 3: The Two-Page Advantage

Hiring managers prefer two-page resumes, the survey results say, "especially for mid-level and managerial positions." If this is accurate, say I, wouldn't a three-page resume be better? How about a four-pager? Or a fiver? Or a ten!

Granted, it may not be easy to fill all those pages with the little you've accomplished, but it's perfectly fine to blend your career history with someone you admire, like Christopher Columbus, who used his analytical skills and leadership abilities to discover America. You could also use me, who didn't. (Frankly, I would go with Chris. He'd be delighted to help you, I'm sure.)

No. 4: Qualify Everything

The "power of numbers" makes your resume more convincing. If you can't come up with statistics that relate to your business successes, there are personal accomplishments you can quantify. Statistics you can include are "100% of my team members don't like me" and "My manager says I spend less than 25% of my time actually working."

No. 5: Proofreading Pays Off

"77% of hiring managers immediately reject resumes with typos or bad grammar." I'm sure this is true, but ask yourself -- do you want to work for a fuss-budget? If the remaining 23% of hiring managers are perfectly happy with "Me speak real goodly" those are the people you want to hire you real goodly.

No. 6: Personalization is Important

63% of recruiters prefer resumes that are "personalized to the specific job. If you'd rather spend your time playing "Assassin's Creed," a generic approach could work. "I have no idea what I could bring to a job at your company," you write in your cover letter, "because I have no idea what your company does."

I'm afraid this degree of honesty would not appeal to 99.99% of recruiters but writing it won't take a lot of your "Assassin's Creed" time, and it's worth a try. You only need one job, right?

No. 7: Unprofessional Emails are a Deal-Breaker

"A surprising 76% of resumes are ignored due to unprofessional email addresses. Seems pretty picky, but any of the following are sure to impress. For a position in healthcare, "mybigtoehurts.com." For sales, "shallwehaveanothernegroni.com." For an entry-level position, "imnotascreepyasilook.com" and for a top management job, "imboredletsfiresomeone.com"

And for any job in any company anytime, "ruderudysentme.com."

That always works.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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