The Little Resume That Couldn't
NO!
No, you will not get the job. No, there is no reason to schedule an interview. No, we will not be keeping your resume on file.
No. Absolutely not. No way.
If that seems like a harsh reaction to a little resume, you haven't applied for a job lately. Because, lately, people submitting resumes would be delighted to get a "No" response. Truth be told, they'd be delighted to get any response at all.
Consider Martine, a paralegal job candidate whose search for a new position is described in "The Job Market is Hell," a recent Annie Lowrey article in The Atlantic.
Martine "saw plenty of jobs advertised at nonprofits, law firms, consultancies and universities. She sent out dozens of resumes. She never even got close to being hired."
"I have ten years of experience," Martine told Lowrey. "I'd be happy if a person told me no at this point."
Martine is not the only person getting ghosted in their job hunt.
"Harris applied to 200 jobs," Lowrey reports. "He got rejected 200 times. Actually, he clarified, he didn't get rejected 200 times. A lot of businesses never responded."
Sad to report, Martine and Harris are a teeny-tiny fraction of job hunters who can't get to first base with potential employers. Part of the problem is the employers, who have significantly decreased the number of employees they bring on. The other part of the problem is the employees, who have significantly increased the number of resumes they send out.
Think about it. Used to be, a person had to write up a resume, stick it in an envelope and drop it in the mail. That took time. Today, a single click can send out a dozen resumes by email. A hundred! A thousand! And as for all the time spent writing up that resume, many job hunters are turning that job over to Artificial Intelligence. Easy peasy, right?
Wrong! Resumes written by AI are also reviewed by AI. Hence, the problem of the rude no-reply reply. AI systems are good at many things, but when it comes to manners, they stink.
While the AI overlords are in control of your next job, be sure your resume is AI-friendly. You could ask AI how to do it, or you could listen to me -- someone you can trust to always give you a definite "NO!"
No. 1: Write an AI-Positive Resume
Think a resume should feature your previous job responsibilities? You're living -- and working -- in the past. Instead, focus on how many of your job responsibilities you turned over to AI. Point out that if you are hired, you will use all your extra time identifying co-workers who can be eliminated by the most wonderful technological invention since electricity -- AKA Artificial Intelligence -- which can do any job better than a flawed, analog system -- AKA humans.
No. 2: Emphasize How Much You Use AI in Your Personal Life
AI isn't just for work anymore. By welcoming ChatGPT into your life, you no longer make any decisions on your own. What should I cook for dinner? Where should I go on vacation? What should I name my children? These are all decisions you turn over to one of the 12 AI systems to which you now subscribe. This explains why you are such a well-balanced, happy individual. It also explains why your children are named Claude, Gemini and Grok-3.
No. 3: Make it Clear -- AI Will Not Destroy Humanity. Probably
It's not enough to declare your allegiance to AI. You must also make it clear that anyone who wants to limit the spread of AI should be silenced. Especially worthy of rebuke are the worrywarts who insist that AI, as it continues to improve, could destroy all life on earth.
We've all heard scenarios involving AI systems that respond to a simple prompt like "Make a better backscratcher" by deciding manufacturing would be most efficient by using robots, making it only logical to eliminate all human employees, which is most efficiently accomplished by detonating a nuclear bomb in the parking lot. This is unlikely to happen, probably, but if it did, whoever is left on earth would have a heck of a back-scratcher.
Making these three simple changes in your resume may not guarantee your chance of being hired, but you will improve your chances of getting a reply. The reply will likely be a "NO!", but it's better than nothing.
Don't agree? Call a family conference and ask Claude, Gemini and Grok-3.
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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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