Humor

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Lost and Found

Humor / Jokes /

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to ...Read more

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes

Humor / Jokes /

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender ...Read more

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

Humor / Jokes /

- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!

- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

- When God made you, he was showing off

- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!

Snickerin' at Bumpers

Humor / Jokes /

- Hang up and drive!

- Welcome to America. Now speak English

- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But Me."

- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

...Read more

Jerry Zezima/Jerry Zezima/TNS

Jerry Zezima: Stuck on Post-its

Humor / Humor Columns /

When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.

So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.

There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.

Then there’s the ...Read more

Jon Hamm Talks Meryl Streep's First SNL Sketch, His SNL50 Seat Filler and Your Friends and Neighbors

Humor / Jokes /

Jon Hamm talks about being in Meryl Streep's first SNL sketch for SNL50: The Anniversary Special, making 14 cameos on SNL during his 15-year hosting hiatus and starring in the series Your Friends and Neighbors.

Spock's surprise visit to The Carol Burnett Show

Humor / Jokes /

The most absurd we ever saw Spock was in this 1967 cameo on The Carol Burnett Show!

Matt Berry reads a letter from South Park creators to the MPAA

Humor / Jokes /

Prior to the release of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut in 1999, the movie's creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, were asked repeatedly by the MPAA to alter the film in order for it to gain an R rating rather than an NC-17. Matt Stone responded to this request with this memo.

Meanwhile… Fatty Tuna | Drugs In The Water | Roman Tax Cheats | Lab-Grown Chicken Nuggets

Humor / Jokes /

Meanwhile… A new machine can tell how much fat is in tuna meat, wild salmon exposed to anxiety drugs took more risks, ancient Romans fed tax evaders to leopards, and scientists grew real “chicken” meat in a lab.

Jon Bernthal on Tom Holland's Spider-Man Audition, New Film with Ben Affleck & Waylon Jennings Love

Humor / Jokes /

Jon talks about working on The Odyssey, playing The Punisher, working with Tom Holland while he was auditioning for Spider-Man, The Accountant 2 with Ben Affleck, being a huge Waylon Jennings fan and meeting Willie Nelson.

Patrick Schwarzenegger Refused to Spoil The White Lotus, Shows Jimmy How to Make a Protein Shake

Humor / Jokes /

Patrick Schwarzenegger talks about refusing to tell his fiancée any spoilers from The White Lotus and the different reactions he received from fans throughout the season before teaching Jimmy how to make a Saxon protein shake.

Real Problem

Humor / Jokes /

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then ...Read more

Humorous Headlines

Humor / Jokes /

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

...Read more

Burglar Notes

Humor / Jokes /

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

"Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!"

"Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you...Read more

Actual Letters to Dear Abby

Humor / Jokes /

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their ...Read more

Pompous Colonel

Humor / Jokes /

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, ...Read more

A Lawyer Named Strange

Humor / Jokes /

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would ...Read more

Penny Scale

Humor / Jokes /

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Designer

Humor / Jokes /

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.

The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."

The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical ...Read more

Pigeons

Humor / Jokes /

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

 

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