Humor
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Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I ...Read more
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Nothing Comes Between Me and My Lava Cake
When it comes to desserts, there are three kinds of people: sugary-dessert people, fruit-dessert people and no-dessert people. I'm a sugary-dessert person, and like most sugary-dessert people, I don't get the other kinds of dessert people at all. I can almost understand no-dessert people. But fruit-dessert people? Fruit as a dessert seems like...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The Fab Floor
You can make book on the fact that I’m not a guy to sweep things under the rug. But you may be floored to know that I brought the hammer down on our latest home improvement project.
That’s why I had to clean my office of enough books to bury Moby-Dick so new flooring could be installed with the help of yours truly and my trusty hammer.
...Read more
Don't Call Me, I'll Call You
"Hello, hello," I said when I saw my husband's number come up on my phone.
Nothing.
"Hellllloooooooooo?" I said louder.
"Can I have a tall decaf skim mocha Frappuccino?" I heard my husband say. It sounded like he wasn't talking directly into his phone but rather from a galaxy far, far away.
"HELLLLOOOOOO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Thinking outside the cookie box
I like to think I’m a tough cookie, but my sweet tooth, which may have a cavity, can’t resist the treats sold every year by the Girl Scouts.
That’s why I have bought two boxes of cookies from my 8-year-old granddaughter, who represents the third generation of Girl Scouts in our family.
They include my wife, Sue, and our two daughters, ...Read more
Feeling World-Weary? Sink Into Nature for a Reset
Last weekend, I ventured on a wee break to the Rainbow River in Dunnellon, Florida, with friends. You know, clumsy kayaking, steamy morning java, birds and otters aplenty. The group discouraged phone use, a disorienting prospect in 2025 when national policy unfolds via unhinged tweets at all hours of the night.
While I didn't go cold turkey ...Read more
Attention All Catalog Shoppers
Back in my early days of suburbia, I received one or two catalogs in the mail, and that was about it. However, catalogs, I soon learned, are like rabbits: They tend to multiply if left unattended. At first I looked forward to the occasional Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma catalogs. Not that I was buying, because we were young and house poor. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: My week
When you’re retired, you don’t live in the fast lane. In fact, my wife, Sue, and I are on the side of the road with a flat tire. The trade-off is that you can’t get fired from a job you don’t have.
Still, there has been great concern by a certain prominent person about how certain subordinate but no less important people spend their ...Read more
How To Consume News Responsibly in End Times
I spoke to a women's group last week about writing columns, working in news, hitting deadlines and all things Hot Global Mess. After the event, I chatted with a couple folks who shared similar sentiments: They're burned out.
The first woman tearfully said she saved a recent column I wrote about not wanting to talk about the news because it ...Read more
A Super Dog Day Afternoon
Being the deep, substantial person that I am, I was kind of hoping that following my knee replacement surgery, my at-home physical therapist would resemble someone like Jason Momoa. Unfortunately, it seemed all the buff therapists had already been assigned, because I ended up with one who looked more like Ant-Man than Aquaman.
Still, I didn't...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No snooze is bad news
To sleep — perchance to snore. Ay, there’s the rib, which my wife, Sue, pokes every time I snore while she’s trying to sleep.
My unconscious imitation of a buzzsaw, which I allegedly do often enough that Sue has to go into another room to get a good night’s slumber, is the reason I have been signed up to participate in a sleep study, ...Read more
Attn: Elon Musk, Here's What I Did This Week
Things I did this week:
Made list titled "Things I did this week."
Crossed off "make list." Very strong start, productive, busy, etc.
Decided to document all activity for Elon Musk to personally review. I do not work for the federal government. Still, it seems helpful to supply data in advance, trying to delay the inevitable draft of ...Read more
A Half-Baked Column
"I think it's time we retired this oven," I said to my husband as I displayed a sheet of blackened sweet potato fries. "Even the dog won't eat these."
"Sure he will," he said, tossing some fries on the floor. The dog immediately sucked them down.
"Not my point," I said.
We had known our oven was on its last burners for quite some time. But ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Puppy love
When you’re a grandparent, you want only the best for the newest addition to the family. That’s why my wife, Sue, and I went shopping in anticipation of baby’s first visit and came home with everything the little one needs, including a bowl for food, one for water, a stick for teething, a bag of treats for snacks, toys for playing, a leash...Read more
All Lined Up and Nowhere to Go
It was one of those days where everything was taking a ridiculously long time. There was a line at the dry cleaners. A line at the supermarket. A line at the gas station. I was starting to think that everyone in the world had the same to-do list that I did; they were just one to-do ahead of me the whole day.
I finally made it to the last ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Don't sweat the style stuff
Row, row, row my seat swiftly down the track.
Warily, warily, warily, warily, my body’s out of whack.
That’s the tune I sang to myself — because I didn’t want to scare everyone else at the gym — as I rocked and rolled on a rowing machine under the expert guidance of my very own personal trainer.
I decided to go back to the gym ...Read more
In Trump's America, Humor Has One Foot in the Grave
"Maybe you just aren't fun anymore," a reader wrote to me recently. With all due respect to this reader, are you fun? No, please, are you having it? What is so fun out there, hmm? Is someone having a party full of Nerds Gummy Clusters and total disassociation?
Apparently, the tone around this column space has trended too serious for some ...Read more
The Best Laid Flight Plans
When it comes to air travel, I'm certainly no stranger to flight delays. On a trip last summer, our return flight was delayed 36 hours. Strangely enough, this was also approximately the same amount of time I had been in labor with my son. The difference was at the end of my labor, I got a beautiful child, whereas at the end of the flight delay...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Taken aback
No matter what I do, whether it’s good, bad or just plain stupid, my wife, Sue, has my back. And I have hers.
But lately, neither one of us has wanted to make the exchange. That’s because we both threw our backs out.
I injured mine while cleaning the bathroom, which is what I get for trying to be helpful around the house.
The irony was ...Read more
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