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The Girl Who Roasted Herself: Selma Blair’s Funniest Moments 2012
Selma Blair might be the most relatable guest ever! In this hilarious interview from 2012, she opens up about her "rubble" teeth, her "inner thigh pie" insecurities, and admits she accidentally killed Craig's joke about horses. 🐴
Ella Purnell's American Accent Is So Good Her Co-Star Didn't Believe She's British
Ella Purnell talks about her American accent being so good that a co-star didn't believe she's British, having to lookout for bones and hyenas while filming Fallout and some of her worst audition stories.
Fighting With My AI Email Assistant
Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you want me to summarize this email for you?
No.
Your aunt sent her flight times for next Thursday and is interested in getting lunch with her high school friend while she's in town.
I said no.
OK, sorry.
...
Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you...
NO.
It'...Read more
Playing Possum
One morning I walked around the back of our yard and discovered a dead animal. I poked it with the toe of my sneaker to make sure it was really dead, not just playing possum. But as they say in The Wizard of Oz, it wasn't just merely dead, it was really most sincerely dead.
Naturally, the first thing I did was take a headcount of all our pets...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Color me beautiful
Sometimes a boy just likes to feel pretty. That’s why two of my granddaughters recently gave me a beauty treatment at their very own spa and salon.
And I can count on the fingers of two hands how much it cost to be the envy of everyone at an evening gathering where my bright red nails made me the life of the party.
My day of geezer ...Read more
The Olympics, Patriotism and Who We Dream to Be
I did not grow up in a sports household. No one in my family was athletically inclined, and the only time I remember football on TV was when uncles came for Thanksgiving.
My brother and I made feeble attempts at sports: summer camp taekwondo, a bit of dance and track. I played fourth-grade basketball in a participation trophy program. Why did...Read more
Tipping the Scales in My Favor
As I was settling into bed one night, I happened to catch my husband out of the corner of my eye.
He was getting on the scale.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled at him. He jerked his head around and looked at me with alarm.
"What? I'm weighing myself."
I jumped out of bed and yanked him off the scale.
"You can't do that now!!" I said ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Mission: Implausible
TOP SECRET
To: Tom Cruise
From: Jerry Zezima
Re: “Mission: Implausible”
Dear Mr. Cruise:
I am a dashing, heroic and admittedly aging spy cleverly disguised as a syndicated newspaper columnist whose work is highly suspect. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me star in the next installment of your fabulously ...Read more
Controversial Opinions While We Still Have Free Speech
The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook appears shaky for the Bill of Rights. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution are on the way to becoming the Bill of Vibes, or the Bill of Suggestions, or the Bill of Chewed Dentyne Ice.
It's time to act up on many levels, and that includes ...Read more
Sleeping With the Enemy
Whenever my husband goes out of town, I cheat. I figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and since there's no way for him to find out that I cheated, why not have some fun while he's out of town?
Do I feel guilty about this? Maybe a bit. But only because I know that my indiscretions may eventually catch up with me in the end. You see, I ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Mr. Coffee
As a man who dozes off at the drop of a hat, even though I don’t wear one, I find it hard to wake up and smell the coffee.
The problem is that I can’t smell the coffee until I wake up. And I can’t wake up until I have coffee.
If that weren’t bad enough, my wife, Sue, won’t get out of bed in the morning until I wake up and make the ...Read more
What A Year This Month Has Been
What do you mean it's still January? From Minneapolis to Venezuela to Greenland, a year's worth of current events have unfolded in a matter of weeks. Here are a few things that feel as long as the first few weeks of January have felt:
The first workout after vacation at the all-inclusive where you consumed nothing but strawberry daiquiris, ...Read more
I Am Woman, Hair Me Roar
When you have short hair, it is inevitable that you will spend an inordinate amount of time growing your hair out, and then getting fed up and cutting it again. I have been down this hair-brained road several dozen times before, complaining for months until I am convinced my husband is going to cut it all off while I sleep just so he doesn't ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Window puns are a real pane
If it weren’t for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for me. It also would be valances, drapes, shutters and other coverings for windows that I haven’t washed in two years, which is why my wife, Sue, has been throwing shades at me.
We recently got new blinds in the family room because the old ones, which came with the house when we ...Read more
Deploying to the War on Protein
Mother, why do you gaze out the window so forlornly?
Because your father has gone to fight in the war, and I don't know when he might return.
Which war, Mother? The war in Ukraine? The war in the Middle East?
No, child.
Is it the immigration war raging in American streets? Or has Father gone to help with troubles in Venezuela...Read more
For Whom the Toilet Paper Rolls
"Can you pick up some more tissues at the supermarket?" I asked my husband.
"I'm not going out right now," he replied. "Just use toilet paper."
I looked at him aghast.
"I can't do that," I said. "It'll scratch my nose."
"Does it scratch your butt?"
"No."
"Then why would it scratch your nose?" he asked.
"Hmmph," I hmmphed.
I shook my ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Don't take snow for an answer
Because I am a geezer with a heart condition, I’m not ashamed to admit that when it comes to shoveling snow, I am also a wuss, which stands for “wait until spring starts.”
To compound matters, I was born during a blizzard and have been perpetrating snow jobs ever since.
So in anticipation of a recent storm, my wife, Sue, a cardiac ...Read more
The Case of the Car and the Spider
One day my son was visiting, and he needed to go to the bank, so I offered to drive him. We had just gotten down our street when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was descending on a thread from the roof of my car just left of the steering wheel.
"SPIDER!!!! There's a spider in the car!" I shrieked, jerking the steering ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Canine clothing conspiracy
I wouldn’t be barking up the wrong clothes tree to say that my younger daughter’s dog has a better wardrobe than I do.
So do both of my barber’s dogs.
It’s enough to make a grown human howl.
I became aware of this canine clothing conspiracy about a year ago when my daughter and her family adopted Opal, a sweet, smart and sassy ...Read more
Instead of Resolutions, Try the Reset Method
Allow me, a moderately cluttered person whose Christmas tree may still be up by next Festivus, to espouse the benefits of a reset.
A reset is not a deep clean, not an all-day parade of squeegees. It simply means taking an hour-ish for basic tidying, dishes, laundry, fluffing. It means pulling the home back from the brink of "SEC frat house ...Read more
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