Humor
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Why the Olympics Are the Perfect Distraction
The word "dissociation" gets bandied about in these chaotic times, usually in context of watching forced proximity dating shows or capybara videos. This type of mental clocking out is passable but ultimately unfulfilling. It's numbing at best, doing little to stoke the champion fires within.
The Olympics, though. The Olympics have dropped ...Read more
Here's to Soap in Your Eye
I'm a pretty loyal consumer. Once I find something that works for me, whether it's ketchup or toothpaste, I usually stick with it unless something truly horrible happens, like they change the formula and go all New Coke on me. At those times, I question my very existence and wonder if I can continue to live on a planet where someone will ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: House not for sale. Unless ... no. We're not selling
A great many people have told me where to go, but I’m not inclined to listen because it’s hot enough here.
Still, the question of where my wife, Sue, and I would go if we sold our house keeps coming up because a great many people have said they want to buy it.
Over the past few weeks, we have received postcards, texts, emails and phone ...Read more
I Saw 'Twisters' in 4DX and I'm Still Shook
After hours battling Disney passholder traffic on a Florida highway, I hustled into the theater moments before showtime. It's not a good start, being out of breath at a 4DX movie.
My seat on the end of a cluster of four immediately started jostling violently during a preview. I felt an ominous aura as breakfast bubbled up.
Maybe those theme ...Read more
Parli Italiano?
On a typical day, I will probably get about 30 spam emails. Most of them are for diet pills, a few are for magic cellulite cream (are you noticing a theme here?), and occasionally I get one from a Nigerian prince letting me know he has a million dollars for me if I just give him my bank account number to transfer the funds. Of course, I never ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Hair today, not gone tomorrow
I don’t want to give lip service to elections, one of which is coming up in the fall, but I recently won a contest by a vote so overwhelming that it amounted to much more than a whisker.
That’s why, thanks to the support of my grandchildren, who are not too young to have cast ballots, I am keeping my mustache.
The issue came up when my ...Read more
Catching a Critter in the House or Interpretive Dance?
A-five-six-seven-eight.
A homeowner cracks the front door to retrieve a package. The sodden summer air crashes through the entryway like a wave. The homeowner breathes in, letting the warmth fill her air-conditioned lungs, soaking in sun to combat the stain of blue monitor light. The fine hairs on her arms elevate. She closes her eyes. Big ...Read more
This Column Is No Bologna
The first thing I noticed when I got into the Uber was the smell of salami. I immediately thought about the salami sandwiches with mustard on white bread my mother used to make me for lunches as a child, and like one of Pavlov's dogs', my mouth started to water. I probably hadn't eaten a salami sandwich in 25 years, since my kids were little, ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Mr. Bigfoot
This pudgy piggy went to the shoe store.
This pudgy piggy did, too.
This pudgy piggy wanted flip-flops.
This pudgy piggy bought two.
This pudgy piggy cried OMG, all the way home!
And that, boys and girls, is the story of my recent footwear adventure.
It all began when my wife, Sue, said it was time for me to get a new pair of flip-flops ...Read more
Celebrities Who Could Convince Me To Suspend My Campaign
Imagine being George Clooney.
No, really. Do this with me real quick. It will be more fun than whatever you were planning. That cereal bowl you were about to wash doesn't have the same mischievous glimmer as our Clooney abstraction.
Ok, so you're Georgie. You're an A-list movie star, husband to a brilliant human rights lawyer, father to ...Read more
Turn Your Wheel and Cough
I'll be the first to admit, I don't really know much about cars. So when my car started making a funny noise, I had no idea what it could be. I knew this noise wasn't its regular noise. The regular noise usually sounded like "vroom-vroom," but this new noise sounded a little like "cough-cough." Although I wasn't very car-savvy, I was a mom, ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stressed for success
When it comes to stress, I put others to the test. That’s why my cardiologist ordered a stress test for me.
“Now that you’re 70, you should have one,” he said. “Have you ever had a stress test?”
“I can’t remember,” I answered.
“Why?” the doctor asked.
“Because,” I said, “I’m 70.”
So I made an appointment for ...Read more
To Appreciate Home, Leave It for a While
I just returned from a 10-day family trip to Southern California. In some ways, it was three days too many. In other ways, it was just right, the perfect amount of time to force renewed soft feelings for my home state of Florida, a perplexing place locals know far too intimately, a madcap swamp we make Olympic sport of criticizing and ...Read more
A Wolf in Mom's Clothing
"I think I'm turning into a werewolf," I told my dermatologist as I sat on the examining table in her office. There were posters on the wall and pamphlets for the treatment of wrinkles and fat, but nothing for werewolves.
"Why do you think that?" she said, peering at my pores. A thankless job if ever there was one.
"I'm starting to grow hair...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The air apparent
I like to think I’m hot. I like to think I’m cool, too. In reality, I am neither — unless I have to stick a big, heavy air conditioner in the bedroom window and another in the office window, in which case, if I even survive, I am both.
For the past 26 years, which is how long my wife, Sue, and I have lived in our house, we have vowed to ...Read more
How To Recover From That Horrific Presidential Debate
At one time, the recent presidential debate carried promise. There would be no hooting frat house audience gassing up their preferred elder statesman. A timer would cut off the microphones of overzealous speakers, which sounds like a charming feature regular people could use when their Hinge dates talk about fishing. Perhaps this would be a ...Read more
Putting the Veggies in Vegetti
"What's for dinner tonight?" my husband asked, inhaling deeply as he lifted the top off a simmering pot of tomato sauce.
I shooed him away.
"We're having spaghetti marinara," I said.
"Cool," he said. "But I thought we were eating gluten-free?"
"We are," I assured him.
"But pasta isn't gluten-free."
"It's not actually spaghetti. It's ...Read more
Why do we fall for fall?
Yes, it’s that glorious season that so many pumpkin-spice addicts claim to be their favorite. I must admit that, I, too, succumb each year to the autumnal charms of fall, except for my seemingly never-ending battle with leaves, or, as I like to call them – tree dandruff.
So what is it that ironically draws us to a season that marks the ...Read more