ArcaMax

Things I did this week:

Made list titled "Things I did this week."

Crossed off "make list." Very strong start, productive, busy, etc.

Decided to document all activity for Elon Musk to personally review. I do not work for the federal government. Still, it seems helpful to supply data in advance, trying to delay the inevitable draft of private sector workers into the fleet of Stormtroopers.

Tried to parse the latest Trump administration directives the way ancient civilizations watched roosters pecking pieces of grain to tell fortunes. Sidetracked (4 minutes 35 seconds) reading about the Etruscans.

Refocused, found latest information. Musk over the weekend sent an email demanding federal workers list what they did last week, much like a kindergarten chore chart. In a self-proclaimed effort to combat waste and inefficiency, his directive created opportunities for employees to attempt job protection using empty corporate phrases like "paradigm shift" and "deliverables." Musk added, "Failure to respond will be taken as a resignation." This launched panic throughout the already traumatized federal workforce. Several agencies told workers not to respond. President Donald Trump clarified that those who don't respond to the email are "sort of semi-fired or you're fired."

Googled "sort of semi-fired legal basis real or????"

Opened email from a reader with the subject line "Trump sucking toes."

Closed email.

Considered what it might be like to work in Macrodata Refinement in Apple TV+'s "Severance." Maybe not so bad? To have no awareness? Or to make muffins in the hills of, I don't know, Vermont? Do they make muffins there?

Snacks (Reese's cup, handful of grapes).

Wondered how the Department of Government Efficiency will review millions of emails and decide who brings sufficient value. According to NBC news, an "AI system will determine whether someone's work is mission-critical or not." Learned that Musk had a mini meltdown when every worker did not immediately comply with his desires to have their life's work evaluated by robot -- very Veruca Salt.

Watched YouTube video of "I Want It Now" from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (2 minutes 38 seconds).

Stared out window (3 minutes 12 seconds). Rainy, adding to ennui.

Executed deliverables and touched base with a few members of my cohort (white, male) about action items versus back-burner priorities. Reviewed core competencies, circled back and took it offline. What is "it"? Per my last email, that's a pain point we're currently running up the flagpole to determine bandwidth, so please stand by for our hard stop at EOD. If we don't make up lost ground, we'll table it and focus on incentivizing tasks with synergy that move the needle in the direction of our bottom line.

More snacks (something wrapped in tortilla, half of a flat Diet Coke).

Researched DOGE email address in question, which workers report to be hr@opm.gov. Just leaving that here. No reason. Please do not overload the system with utter nonsense that might jeopardize the algorithm, kneecapping a quest to remake the fabric of American public service into a Silicon Valley bio hack. Do not, I repeat, do not get cute. Do not sign this address up for sale alerts from Old Navy. Do not send photos from your dog's recent dental cleaning. Do not send lyrics to "All Star" by Smash Mouth. Do not interfere with this important process. Thank you for your attention.

Peanut butter, spoon.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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