ArcaMax

Thank you so much for sitting down with me today, famed French microbiologist Louis Pasteur.

Oui. What is zees about? I am dead.

Yes, I know. I appreciate you making time in your, uh, schedule. The thing is, we are living in strange times here above the ground, and it's important to go straight to the source for information. Too many people are collecting scientific findings from AI simulations with suspiciously smooth skin.

What year ees it?

2025.

Ah, bon! My neck. I have been at rest for 130 years.

Yes, and in that time, I regret to inform you that people have started drinking raw milk again. In cases stemming from one Florida farm, 21 people got sick -- including children.

Mais non! Why would anyone do zees? We fixed zee problem, we save zee lives. Non-issue, bonsoir.

Well, some say raw milk has more nutrients and health benefits. But honestly, it appears to be a trend like Labubus and the revival of Y2K indie sleaze.

I understand le zero.

Have you heard of Kesha? No, OK, how can I... it's like how crinolines got out of control in 1860. They were, like, 15 feet. Remember how big the skirts were?

Did you wake me from eternal slumber to discuss la mode ?

No, no. For those who might consider buying into a food fad that could endanger their otherwise solid health, can you please explain pasteurization, the process named for your research?

They call it that? Pasteurization? Oh, mon dieu, I am flattered from zee grave. Well, simple thing, really. Petit organisms can spoil libations we enjoy or need to live -- wine, beer, milk. By heating zee liquids before consumption, les bacteries et les moisissures meurent. They become dead, like moi. Ees, how you say in Florida, a no-brainer, bro.

I also developed zee vaccine for anthrax. Please, do not wake that scoundrel Toussaint and ask him what he thinks. Anything he says can be disproven.

That's between you guys! So, why do you think it's important for people to drink pasteurized milk rather than raw milk, which is only promoted under specious health claims and vibes? What would you say are the reasons one should not invite in campylobacter and E. coli, which can cause diarrhea and kidney failure? Why would you warn people about drinking products labeled "for animal consumption only" even though they are convinced it could help their gut biome because of a MAHA mom on TikTok?

You put zee words in my mouth. What ees MAHA ticks?

Sorry.

Ecoutez bien, because I am tired and wish to be reunited with the afterlife. Scientists repaired zee problem with zee milk long ago after much hard work and dedication. My labor saved industries in France! I was elected to zee Academie des Sciences! For what? For zee MAHA tock ticker to win? Non! If le citizens of -- pardonnez-moi, je suis fatigue -- Florida cannot read zee textbook, so sad. If they want to drink bug milk with zee miniature grime and pass out on zee street like that old louse Antoine Bechamp, be mon guest. Shame on them for involving zee helpless children. Shame! See you down here in zee dirt with zee bacteria you are so fond of, mon ami!

(SET BOLD) Thank you for your... oh, OK, he's dead again. Wow, efficient. Pour out a milk for Louis Pasteur, everyone. (END BOLD)

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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