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Dear Eric: There's a gal in my social circle who makes a habit of attending birthday parties and, in addition to the piece or two of birthday cake she consumes at the party, wraps pieces of cake to take home "for my family.” Sometimes she even does it without asking permission.

On my 37th birthday, I had a gathering of about 12 of the gals over. I baked my own cake, a simple two-layer round one, that had to be divided carefully to ensure that every attendee got a slice. After everyone who wanted one had a slice, I was delighted to see that there were still three slivers on the plate. But at the end of the party, they were gone. The cake hoarder had struck again.

I was livid.

Time went by and at my 40th birthday party, as I was in the process of cutting the cake, she came up to me with a plate in her hand and asked if she could have a few extra slices to take home to her family.

I said no. If there were a few slices left over, I would be taking them home to enjoy as it was my birthday cake.

She looked shocked, angry and hurt. I'm just curious, is it poor manners to wrap up someone else's birthday cake, either without permission or by putting them on the spot, and taking home three times as much cake as anyone else at the party?

– Feeling Not So Sweet

Dear Eric: Short and sweet: she should have asked and she shouldn’t have been huffy about getting told no.

The manners books don’t really address this three-slice conundrum because it seems specific to your friend. Personally, if I’ve got a limited number of slices, I’m not going to invite this person to my party. There’s no harm in asking for what you want, but it’s also important not to get carried away. Perhaps chalk it up to her misreading the room or being overeager. But, at the end of the day, you don’t have any obligation to provide a sweet treat for her husband and kids at home.

Dear Eric: I was invited to join a group of ladies last year for a monthly game night. We all take turns hosting.

I'm wondering how to gracefully quit the group. They are really nice people, and we all get along. But the conversation is light, and we hardly ever veer into world affairs. I sense a political divide.

Anyway, I would simply rather spend the evening home with my husband watching a movie or reading. How do I let the ladies know without offending them?

– Homebody

Dear Homebody: Everything has its season and group traditions don’t have to last forever. They don’t even have to last multiple years.

The most graceful way to bow out of game night is to tell them you appreciate the company and you’re grateful to have been invited, but you’d like to spend more time with your husband. This is the truth and it’s also hard to fault you for it. There’s no need to get into the issues with light conversation, as that veers into critique. It’s possible the group has had other members come and go, too. It happens. And it’s very likely that they all have other demands on their time. They’ll understand.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter from “Movin’ and Groovin’”, who took social dance classes and wanted to learn more technique from the instructor, instead of basic steps that were accessible at all levels. I've been dancing ballet, ballroom, country-western, folk and clogging since I was six so I do have a lifetime of experience.

If you are taking group dance classes, the instructor will really only have time to concentrate on everyone in the class learning the step/steps being taught in that class. If it's a more advanced class, the instructor will most likely add in some technique.

Traditionally technique is taught in private lessons where the instructor can work on the student's specific needs. Almost all dance students take classes from various instructors (who all have different strengths). This enables the dance student to benefit from a wide variety of training and build a stronger dance repertoire.

This is not looked at as being “unfaithful” to your current instructor. In fact, most will encourage that you take from others (as they do such themselves – you never stop learning). Hope this helps!

– Keep On Dancing in the OC

Dear Dancing: It does help! Thanks for this perspective. A good instructor is going to want you to improve and will give you the tools to do so. Sometimes those tools are referrals to other instructors who can take your skills to the next level.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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