Dear Anna,

I’m 35 and my girlfriend is 30. She works at a tech startup and has gotten really close with one of her coworkers — a 28-year-old guy who just moved to the city. They’re part of a work friend group that hangs out outside the office pretty regularly. Last weekend, the whole group went to a concert that I wanted to go to, but I had a work thing I couldn’t get out of. I found myself feeling weirdly jealous, not because I think anything romantic is happening, but because this guy gets to spend so much casual time with her. What’s really bothering me though is how much they text. He’s constantly sending her memes and TikToks throughout the day — like, easily 15+ messages. A couple weeks ago, we were having dinner and he FaceTimed her to complain about his roommate situation and ask for advice. It lasted 20 minutes. I was sitting right there. I know he’s new to the area and probably lonely, but it felt strange that she’s become his go-to person for every random life update. My girlfriend insists he’s just a friend who’s adjusting to a new city and that the work crew is tight-knit, which I get. I trust her completely and don’t think she’d ever cross a line. But I also don’t love the dynamic and wonder if there should be some kind of boundary around the constant texting. I don’t want to be the controlling partner who says “stop being friends with your coworker,” but I’m struggling with how much bandwidth this friendship seems to take up. How do I deal with this jealousy without coming across as insecure or unreasonable? — Third Wheel Energy Aggravating Karma

Dear TWEAK

OK, let’s separate the two things that are happening simultaneously here. What’s reasonable to feel bothered by, and what’s your insecurity talking.

The constant texting and the interrupting-your-dinner with a FaceTime call? Those are actually worth addressing. Not because this guy is a threat to your relationship, but because 15 messages a day and mid-dinner video calls are A LOT to tolerate. (Even for a best friend — which he isn’t.) It’s not controlling to want your girlfriend to be present during your time together, and it’s not unreasonable to feel like this guy’s neediness is encroaching on your relationship.

But where you could benefit from checking yourself is around the jealousy about her spending time with coworkers during the day and going to group events you can’t attend. That’s your insecurity talking, and you need to work on that. Your girlfriend is allowed to have close friendships, at work or otherwise. She’s allowed to go to concerts without you. She’s allowed to have a life that doesn’t revolve around making sure you never feel left out. If you start resenting her for having fun with friends when you’re not available, you’re going to poison this relationship from the inside out.

So let’s focus on what you can actually address. Have a conversation with her — not about this specific guy, but about communication boundaries in general. Say something like: “I’ve noticed that sometimes when we’re together, you’re getting a lot of messages and calls from work friends. I want you to have those friendships, but I’d love it if we could have some phone-free time when we’re hanging out, just so we’re both fully present with each other.”

Notice how that’s about your relationship quality, not about policing her friendship? That’s the key. You’re not saying “this guy texts you too much” (even though he clearly does), you’re saying “I want us to be present with each other.” Most reasonable partners will hear that and adjust.

As for your jealousy about the time they spend together at work and group hangouts? You need to sit with that and figure out what’s actually driving it. Are you feeling neglected in other ways? Do you feel like you don’t have enough quality time with her? Are you sad that you don’t have a core friend group to hang out with? Because if everything else is solid and you’re still spiraling about her going to a concert with coworkers, that’s a you problem, not a her problem.

And either way, you can and should devote some time to building your own friendships and interests. It’s possible that part of the reason you’re fixating on your girlfriend’s social life is because you don’t have enough going on in yours. So get out there! Make some plans. Delve deep into a hobby you want to cultivate. (Bonus points if it’s a social one.) Have your own group hangs. Stop sitting at home feeling jealous while she’s living her life.

Bottom line: You can absolutely ask for reasonable boundaries around messaging and phone use during your time together. But you cannot ask her to dial back a friendship just because you feel left out. One is about mutual respect in your relationship. The other is about your insecurity, and that’s yours to manage.

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