ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I never thought I would be writing to an advice column, but here I am, because my heart is full and my mind is spinning.

I am a Catholic woman in my early 30s, and I have fallen deeply in love with a wonderful man who is Jewish. He is kind, thoughtful, funny and steady in a way that makes me feel safe. He remembers the little things, calls my mother "ma'am" and once drove two hours to help my brother when his car broke down. In every way that matters day to day, he is the kind of partner I always hoped to find.

The problem is that what matters "day to day" is not the whole story.

We have been together for over a year, and now things are getting serious. We have started talking about marriage, holidays and children, and suddenly the questions we could once gently avoid are sitting at the dinner table with us. Would we be married in a church, under a chuppah or both? Would our children be baptized? Raised Jewish? Both? Neither? What happens at Christmas and Hanukkah when both families have strong feelings and long traditions?

To make matters harder, both of our families are loving but opinionated. My parents are polite to him but have made comments like, "Love is wonderful, but faith is forever." His mother is warm to me, but I can tell she worries that he will drift from his traditions. No one has said, "Don't do this," but the pressure is there in a hundred little ways.

We love each other and want to be respectful, not resentful. But I am afraid that if we do not handle this carefully now, the issue will only grow bigger later.

Can two people from different faiths build a happy marriage without one person feeling like they gave up too much of themselves? -- Torn Between Love and Tradition

Dear Torn Between Love and Tradition: Yes, two people of different faiths can build a beautiful marriage, but love alone is not enough. Romance gets you to the altar. Shared respect gets you through December.

This can work if you both talk plainly now, before vows and babies make everything more emotional. Discuss the big things, not just the wedding photo: holidays, children, worship, extended family and what each of you cannot give up without feeling lost.

The goal is not for one of you to "win" religion. It is to build a home where both faiths are treated with dignity.

Pay close attention to how he handles these conversations. A good match is not just someone who loves you. It is someone who can do hard talks without making you pay for them later.

And remember, families may have opinions until the end of time. They do not get the final vote.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.