ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have MS. I know that most people are aware of what a dreadful disease it is. But when I tell someone that I have MS, as I must sometimes do, some people say "I'm sorry" -- emphasis on "sorry," as if it is a death sentence.

There are other reactions, as well, though usually not as offensive. How should I respond graciously?

GENTLE READER: Few people know how to respond to bad news in a way that is simultaneously respectful and compassionate -- and even fewer will know how you, specifically, would want them to react, particularly as your answer to that may not remain constant.

No one likes pity, and perhaps it is the delivery that offends you -- the accompanying mournful face and inability to return to normal conversation. But you would hardly want your statement to be ignored.

Histrionics are never in order, of course, but a simple, "I'm sorry to hear that," seems like a reasonable compromise. The answer to that is an equally simple, "Thank you."

Miss Manners hopes that you will take into account the speaker's intent in rating the offensiveness of other responses, but she would think that the quickest way out of the conversation would still be a lone "Thank you" before moving on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a women's group in my town with approximately 20 members. The group is growing, and a woman who recently joined has declared she is thrilled to have found us. But I am not thrilled to have her, and neither are others, judging by their reactions.

She is self-centered and talks over the rest of us. In my first encounter with her, I learned how old she is, her husband's name, where she worked, how long she's been retired, her ailments, her family's ailments ...

Of course, she didn't ask a single question about any of us. She has a husband, so I don't think it's because she's lonely.

It's obvious she is going to continue coming to our meetings. I will be avoiding sitting by her. (Because she is so brash, if she is snubbed, I can actually picture her taking me to task, asking, "Are you avoiding sitting by me?") I suspect we are not the first group to be stymied by her.

There has been much written about how to handle the ups and downs of a one-on-one friendship, but what about how to handle this in a group? There is a "leader," but I can't picture her ever saying anything. And what can one say, anyway? "You are annoying, so stop it"?

GENTLE READER: It would be equally impolite of the leader to correct a guest's manners if she is not disobeying the rules of the group. But the leader has the power not to invite her to future events.

If you cannot effect that, then the alternatives are finding more patience within yourself, increasing your distance to this person at events, socializing with a different group -- or a palace coup that leaves you in control of the guest list. Which to choose will depend on how much energy you are willing to invest to be thrilled.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN