Woes Of A Would-Be Party Planner
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am flummoxed. On two separate occasions, I have offered to host a birthday party for a friend. They were both enthusiastically receptive to my offer.
In each case, I asked for their guest list with email addresses to send e-vites to their invitees. I also asked each birthday girl for any favorite appetizers or beverages, so I could serve something she particularly likes.
The first friend wanted to do everything last-minute, including getting the guest list to me. Then she even requested I bring all the party makings to her house, because that would be easier for her than coming to mine -- on the day of the party!
The second friend wanted to schedule a planning session where the two of us could go over all of the details a month ahead of time, and wants to text about it every other day.
Where did I go wrong, or am I missing something?
GENTLE READER: You have no doubt heard of good deeds not going unpunished?
The professional party planner industry has, perhaps, made what should be a social matter, complete with humility and gratitude, into a transactional one.
But Miss Manners would hate to think that your abused generosity will dissuade you from continuing with more reasonable recipients. Perhaps you can preface the next offer by saying, "I am so excited to give you a party, but I'm afraid I have somewhat limited time and resources. If that doesn't suit you, perhaps you should hire a professional." Thereby making it clear that not only are you not one, but you should not be treated as such.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is a friendly older white man. When we have people come and do work at our home, he often calls them "my brother," "my friend" or "my man" when speaking to them. It doesn't matter what race or age they are.
The workers are always polite, so my husband thinks they like how he speaks. I believe they are trained not to react if a customer says something offensive. I think he is being too familiar, disrespectful and possibly patronizing.
He means well, and I am not objecting to his friendliness. I just think he should call them by name or "sir." What do you think?
GENTLE READER: We can hope that the recipients are merely amused, rather than offended. He is being all of the things you fear, so you would be doing him a favor if you can get him to stop.
Miss Manners suggests you remind him of a parallel situation he has no doubt run into, whether that be attempts to use teenage slang with the grandchildren, texting abbreviations he did not fully understand with co-workers, or other situations in which those on the receiving end were in a position to be more forthright in pointing out that he does not speak their language.
He need not call people he has hired to do work "sir," but he does need to treat them with respect -- which includes not being overly familiar.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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