ArcaMax

Q: I have been reading your comments on forgiveness. I sadly admit I am quick to anger and slow to forgive. A few years ago, a very beloved and trusted group that was everything to me betrayed my daughter by making false accusations, intimidating her and taking away a part of her livelihood. I still cannot let go of the hurt and anger this brought me. I cannot forgive and I cannot let go of the pain and anger. I know this is only hurting me and is ruining my joy and my life. I want to say that if one person who hurt my daughter had tried to reach out to say they were sorry or to even ask how we were, it would have made a difference. Maybe I could have moved on. I know saying you are sorry is difficult and reaching out to someone so angry is a challenge. I have tried many things to get over my anger. I have talked to friends and professionals. I have prayed and journaled. I have separated myself from the group that did this. My question is how does one just forgive? I can say the words, but if I do not feel it in my heart, it means nothing. I am old, and I fear I will die holding onto this anger and hate and will never rest in peace. – (From M)

A: Thank you, dear M, for such a brave letter. Your spiritual honesty has touched on every major challenge of forgiving. I believe that forgiving hurts to yourself, though difficult, is easier than forgiving hurts to your children. We want to protect our children from the bumps and bruises of life and sadly life does not always permit this. Of course, you are suffering because of your daughter’s pain, but in the end, it is her struggle for wholeness that is at stake in this incident, not yours. Perhaps her pain will bring her wisdom. God works through broken hearts. Your example of love is the best antidote to the cancer of hatefulness your daughter has been forced to face.

Despite your inability to forgive, have you tried to encourage your daughter to forgive the people who hurt her so egregiously? She needs you to help her get over this. How you can get over this is a matter for your own inner spiritual life.

The question of forgiveness breaks down into a group of other questions each of which is its own mystery. Your perceptive letter touches on many of them in very honest ways.

How can a hurtful act be taken back? This is the great obstacle of forgiveness, particularly when the one who hurt you is not repentant. The hurt is real. The hurt is in the world and cannot be reversed or revoked. Does forgiveness intend to wipe out the act in some magical manner?

No.

Forgiveness wipes out our suffering, not our pain. You and your daughter must find a way to endure the pain of their insults and lies, but you need not live the rest of your lives suffering for their sins. Suffering is different from pain. Pain is the feeling of a rock dropping on your foot. Suffering is the pain caused by your constant memory of the rock. An old Buddhist legend I have written of before tells of two monks on a journey. At one point one monk insults his companion. The other monk immediately wrote the insult in the sands of the seashore. Later in the journey the same insulting monk did a good deed for his companion who immediately wrote of the incident on a nearby rock. The monk asked why, and the monk responded, “I write all my insults in sand so that they can be washed away. I write all my blessings on a stone so that I will remember them always.” My advice to you and your daughter is this, “More sand and less stone.”

You did not tell me your faith. If you are a Christian this might be a time for you to seek out ways to lay your burdens on Jesus. The gift of the resurrection in Christianity is the atonement of all sins. If you are of another faith, you can still lay your burdens on God. Perhaps this will help you see the people who hurt your daughter as ignorant rather than evil, as jealous rather than vindictive.

There are ways to put this on God and, though you are having difficulty doing this, keep trying. You are not strong enough now or loving enough now, but God is. Open your soul to the good shepherd who will guide you to the still waters of a new day.

(Send ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS to The God Squad via email at godsquadquestion@aol.com. Rabbi Gellman is the author of several books, including “Religion for Dummies,” co-written with Fr. Tom Hartman. Also, the new God Squad podcast is now available.)

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