ArcaMax

To my colleagues in faith, I ask God’s blessing on the works of your hands and hearts.

I am including some funny stories gleaned in my half-century of working in the fields of the Lord. Please send me some of your hilarious stories of the ways God’s words crash into our needy world.

Some of the “funny clergy stories” may seem to be insulting to our congregants, but I do not read them that way. I experienced these stories as well meant but bumbling attempts by sincere people of faith to innovate some aspects of inherited rituals. It’s just that it did not turn out that way. I give them all an A for effort even if the grades on the result were a bit lower.

Also, although I am mainly seeking funny stories from clergy about congregants/parishioners, I would also love to hear some funny stories about clergy told by the people in the pews.

Like the story about how my best friend, Father Tom Hartman, was presiding over a burial in the midst of a huge rainstorm. Aside from being soaked by the rain, even under his umbrella, everything was going well, so Tommy told me. Then he looked over the edge of the grave to make sure that it was not flooded and, in an instant, he fell into the grave and was covered completely from head to toe in mud and muck. The mourners were shocked and concerned about Tommy. Then suddenly a mud man with a bright smile clawed his way out of the grave. He stood up, looked at everyone and said proudly, “He is risen!”

God bless us one and all, Marc.

There are many stories and laws in The Tanach (The Hebrew Bible) and the Talmud (The Hebrew and Aramaic after-Bible). Over these past years I have had the privilege to teach many of them. Some of them are luminous like the story of Creation or the Ten Commandments and some are ludicrous like the story of Balaam’s talking donkey or the talking snake in the Garden of Eden because we all know that most donkeys and snakes do not speak and the ones who do, speak with such a heavy accent that it is extremely difficult to understand them.

My biggest problem with the stories of the Torah and Talmud is that they are thousands of years old and they just don’t provide rabbis with the guidance to advise congregants about the real problems of the modern world. I will give you an example.

One day a woman came to my office seeking advice about a problem that was tearing her family apart. She said, “Rabbi Gellman, you are the smartest person I know. (She actually never said that but I thought I would just throw it in there because when you are retired in Boca Raton and the only question I am asked is ‘Rabbi, where do you want to go for dinner?’” It can be quite lonely, but I will deal with that with my therapist.)

Anyway, back to the woman in my office with the problem. She said, “You know my son’s bar mitzvah is coming up, and we are making plans for the party. One of the parts we can’t decide about is what to do about his grand entrance into the room. We have narrowed it down to two choices and we all agreed that we would let you make the decision for us.” I said, “Thank you for your kind words but I don’t have anything to do with the parties. But look, I am sure that the Torah or Talmud will provide some guidance. (THAT was my mistake.) What are the two choices?” Then she said, “Option one is for our son to enter the room riding on a live tiger.” And then just before I had the chance to say, “No matter what it is, I pick option 2,” she said, “Option two is for him to enter the room in a burial casket and then have him rise from the casket dressed as Dracula.”

I don’t remember precisely what I said but I remember what I thought. I thought, “I don’t need this job. I’m good with people. I could sell insurance.” After the bar mitzvah I ran to my car to get away… but it was partially blocked by a tiger cage.

God bless, Marc.

(Send ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS to The God Squad via email at godsquadquestion@aol.com. Rabbi Gellman is the author of several books, including “Religion for Dummies,” co-written with Fr. Tom Hartman. Also, the new God Squad podcast is now available.)

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