Everyday Cheapskate: Sandwiched Between Aging Parents and Adult Children

A lovely new assisted living complex is under construction close to where I live. As beautiful as this place is, it has become a daily reminder to me of how difficult it can be to talk to aging parents about their health and future needs.

If you're 40 or older, you're part of the Sandwich Generation, which refers to middle-aged individuals who feel pressured to support both aging parents and adult children. You likely fall into one of these categories:

Traditional Sandwich: Those being squeezed between the needs of aging parents, relatives or friends while also supporting and meeting the demands of their own children, spouses and careers.

Club Sandwich: Those in their 50s or 60s sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren, or those in their 30s and 40s with young children, aging parents and grandparents.

Double-Stuff Sandwich: Those whose adult, post-college kids return home to live with their parents for lack of employment, direction and or money. Also known as the "boomerangs" (as I discussed in my column "Life in a Crowded Nest").

Open-Face Sandwich: Anyone else involved in elder care on one side, and others in need of support on the other.

I would estimate that at least half of my friends are either caring for elderly parents or supporting adult children and grandchildren -- and in most cases, some or all have actually moved in with them, taking up permanent residence.

Surveys suggest today's baby boomers (adults born between 1946 and 1965) likely will spend more years caring for a parent than they will spend rearing, caring for and supporting their own children. And these days parents care for their children for at least 20 years.

The trend of caregiving for parents is on the rise as people live longer, with many boomers assisting with household needs, finances and personal care. Surveys show that about 60% of boomers provide some level of care to their parents, while 90% have offered financial or other form of support to their adult children. This reflects both the increased caregiving burden and the extended dependence of children in the current economic climate.

It is common for parents today to support children well into adulthood -- often beyond the traditional 20 years -- due to the rising cost of living and economic challenges. At the same time, boomers are dealing with their own aging needs, which further complicates the caregiving equation.

In the same way a trip to the dental hygienist can prevent a painful procedure down the road, a conversation with your parents about aging will be worth it to help preserve a future you both can handle. The longer you wait to talk with them about the future, the fewer choices you may have down the line, and the more it may cost to make sure they get the care they need.

The way you approach the subject will have a huge effect on whether your parents are willing to accept your help. Here are a few guidelines to help you get this conversation started:

LISTEN

Don't miss an opportunity to talk about the future. Listen to your parents and ask questions. Avoid telling them what to do, no matter how tempting it may be. Get the conversation going earlier rather than later.

BE PATIENT

Your parents have been biting their collective tongue for all these years as they have dealt with you. Now it's your turn to be patient and give them time to think over their alternatives. Major decisions won't get made during one casual phone call.

EXPECT SILENCE

Don't expect quick responses to your questions. This may be one of the most difficult seasons of their lives. Give them time to process, think and ponder.

DON'T ASSUME

Above all, do not mistake indecision for lack of interest. I think you can be fairly certain they've been thinking about this a lot longer than you have. But it's easy to put it off when the future appears so far away.

GET HELP

It's all right if you don't know what you're doing. Your willingness to assist your parents is a big step. Dare to ask for help.

LAUGH

Don't lose your sense of humor. It will keep you happy and sane in the years to come.

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Mary invites you to visit her at EverydayCheapskate.com, where this column is archived complete with links and resources for all recommended products and services. Mary invites questions and comments at https://www.everydaycheapskate.com/contact/, "Ask Mary." This column will answer questions of general interest, but letters cannot be answered individually. Mary Hunt is the founder of EverydayCheapskate.com, a frugal living blog, and the author of the book "Debt-Proof Living."