Q. My ex and I share equal custody of our 2-year-old son, but we do not get along. There is a court order that states that we can each have one FaceTime call a day when our son is with the other parent. However, these calls always turn into an argument, from her not picking up to telling me our son does not want to talk to calling right before bed. Each call has become a battleground. Are FaceTime calls necessary to properly co-parent? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. FaceTime calls can be an excellent tool to stay in touch with your child when they cannot be with you, but there is a fine art to approaching them properly.

When a child is very young and cannot hold the phone, that responsibility falls on the parents. If the parents are estranged, a daily FaceTime call puts them in contact with each other every day. It makes them responsible for kind interaction. “Look honey, say hi to daddy!”

But if mommy hates daddy and daddy hates mommy, the conversation takes on new meaning. Parental discontent is obvious and that’s how you are raising your child. It’s no wonder a child balks when it’s time to call. Start with a 2-year-old who has an extremely short attention span and can’t hold a phone. Add some crabby parents who are not invested in supporting each other’s relationship with the child, and you have the perfect storm for parental misunderstandings and retaliation.

Most parents have a good night ritual with their children—a bath to calm them down, possibly a bedtime story. Then the other parent calls with “Good night, little one. I miss you when you are not here.” The child becomes anxious and can’t settle down, possibly cries, so mom or dad decides not to answer the phone the next day. The calling parent, thinking only about themselves, accuses their co-parent of sabotaging the call. If the parent then calmly asks their co-parent not to call before bed, the request is often misread as a way to undermine their relationship. That could be true, but more often than not, they are just trying to allow their child a good night’s sleep. Consider calling at another time.

So, are daily FaceTime calls necessary? Even daily phone calls, in general? If you see your child every few days, it may not be. We are not talking about long distance co-parenting when parent and child see each other every few months. Then FaceTime calls may be the only way to perpetuate a bond. But, even then, just like living in two homes, daily calls if not done properly can emotionally yank a child from one home to another.

If they want to call you, both parents must always allow a child to reach out, but if a child is settling in at the other home, let them. They won’t forget you. Of course, if something exciting happens, then reach out. Even reach out if you just want to say, hi. But before you call—here’s where the “done properly “ comes in--consider how it will impact your child—and cooperate with your co-parent so that your child can look forward to the calls and the calls do not become a source of sadness and anxiety. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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