Q. I have no idea how to co-parent when my ex is such a jerk and is always telling me how I screwed up: I can’t parent the kids right. I don’t cook nutritious food. I drink too much.

I’m so beaten down I don’t want to talk to them about anything, let alone consult them about our kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. My first thought was, is your ex a jerk because they’re right? Sometimes we are most irritated when we are called out because we know that what has been said is true. If it’s all true, all three things are easily remedied. Possibly the most difficult would be to cut down on your drinking—but if you admit you are drinking too much when the kids are around, only you know if some soul searching is in order.

That said, former partners form their opinions based on past behaviors and are often slow to accept that exes have changed their ways. Coping mechanisms like drinking too much may be a behavior acquired when living in a chaotic relationship and once the relationship ends, it’s not uncommon for the behavior to slow down all by itself. But all your ex knows is how you acted when you were together, so it’s difficult to demonstrate that a negative pattern is no longer in place. And if the kids are going back to their other parent’s home with stories of you smelling like alcohol or sleeping when they are there and not cooking dinner, you are fighting an uphill battle. It may take some time to prove your approach has changed.

So, let’s say you are right, your ex is a jerk, and they are picking on you. Granted, no one puts their best foot forward during a breakup—however, if your ex is completely wrong, it’s not time to retreat, it’s time to have a serious conversation to squelch the accusations and reset the relationship. Tell them that. Set the example and don’t be afraid to suggest co-parenting counseling for help.

A quick tool that might be helpful is to rely on curiosity to initiate a discussion rather than argue about accusations. Try, “I’m curious why you would say that?” They may come back with all sorts of falsehoods—starting with, “The kids told me they saw you drinking,” Then you know the source for the accusations and that will give you a clue on how to approach it.

Social drinking is not against most parenting plans. Just know that it scares young children when their parents are out of control. So, if they are truly reporting things like this, something is amiss. You really are drinking too much, or they have aligned with the other parent. Huge red flags. Both need exploration.

Remember, it’s not the kids and you against the other parent, it’s you and the other parent FOR the kids. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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