ArcaMax

"I'll have a small decaf black coffee, no sugar, and a croissant," I told the woman behind the counter.

I was in a nice place, a coffee shop and restaurant. In back of the place is a store that sells a lot of French groceries, and I go there to buy French caramels and cookies.

The 20-something woman behind the counter mumbled just a little, so for reasons I didn't quite hear, she could not produce a decaf black coffee, so she made me an Americano. It was the same color as black coffee, so I took it back to my table with the croissant. I took out my phone, Googled "Americano" and found out it's espresso mixed with hot water.

The Americano process does create something that is a lot like black coffee, but I swear you can taste the hot water in the drink.

The croissant was excellent.

What I should have done was go full MAGA on her and tell her I hadn't served in Vietnam so I could come home and not be able to get a cup of by God regular coffee.

I didn't serve in Vietnam, but my hair is gray, so she would have believed me. Anyway, maybe 30% of the guys who say they served in Vietnam didn't. Only the Confederacy has ever attracted more people eager to identify with the losing side of a war.

I can still get genuine black coffee in a number of places, including convenience stores, chain fast food places and the less expensive diners.

This is why those people who want "traditional wives" are going to be disappointed. "Trad wife" isn't on the menu at the nicer places. You want regular old black coffee, there's gonna be a lot fewer French cookies in your life, if you know what I mean.

"Trad wife" by the way, means you want to marry a woman who lets you "lead." She'll do anything you tell her to, she doesn't turn you down for sex, and if she has the bad manners to make more money than you do, she lets you decide how to spend the money.

In other words, she's just about as good company as a Labrador retriever, and nearly as cheap to keep. It's in the Bible. Book of Labradoricus.

That's why I listened to 10 Sabrina Carpenter songs last week right in a row. I did the same thing with Taylor Swift songs a few months back. I wasn't likely to become a fan of either artist, but I don't like losing track of the culture.

Do I wish things were still the way they were in 1964? Sure, I do. I was 7 years old, and I had a dog. Everything was perfect, and if it wasn't perfect for everyone, hell, I didn't know everyone.

Sabrina Carpenter and a new kind of coffee. Not very trad, is it?

The next time I go in that coffee shop, I'm gonna ask for an Americano, a croissant and a pack of Marlboro in the hard pack. No trad man gets the soft pack.

To find out more about Marc Dion, and read words by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle and iBooks.