ArcaMax

To be honest, I didn't think the bunny had legs.

I wrote about Bad Bunny's Super Bowl appearance a few weeks before it happened, and I concentrated on the commercial nature of the National Football League's decision.

I figured the game would be played, the bunny would hop around on stage, and we'd all go back to eating hot wings and hoping the team we bet on would beat the spread.

I was wrong. That rabbit had more legs than a bucket of chicken. Facebook, Instagram and every other social media swill bucket brims with either denunciations of Senor Bunny, or impassioned defenses of his very Spanishocity.

If you were mad when El Rabbit took the stage, it was because you did or didn't do at least one of these four things.

1. You didn't drink enough during the first half of the game.

2. You drank too much during the first half of the game.

3. You weren't paying enough attention to gambling.

4. If you're male, you weren't paying enough attention to the backup dancers.

"When you don't feel good about a musical performance, look at the backup dancers," my grandmother used to tell me. "They'll be wearing shorts, and they won't be loose shorts, either."

President Donald Trump didn't like the Bad Bunny halftime show, if only because the tight-short dancers were too old. Some of those girls were over 30, fahgawdsakes. Who wants to watch a bunch of old ladies shake their ratings makers when the junior high schools of America have so much available cheerleading talent?

If you don't feel bad for Trump because of that, remember that his wife, Melania, is 55. What's he supposed to do when he's alone with her at night, help her tighten the screws in her walker? I've heard speculation about whether the first couple sleeps in the same bed. If they don't, it's because Melania is an old woman. Who wants to lay in bed next to a lake of wrinkle cream?

Of course, Donald Trump is pushing 80 like he's trying to push a Chevy Silverado out of a snowbank, but that doesn't mean he should share sheets with a crone. A man's age doesn't matter. A woman's age matters. A man's weight doesn't matter. A woman's weight matters.

Congressman Andy Ogles (R.-Creepy) says Bad Bunny's show featured "explicit displays of gay sexual acts." How in the hell does a good Christian politician from Tennessee even know what gay sexual acts look like? I'm a newspaper guy. I'm supposed to know what gay sexual acts look like. Ogles is supposed to know the geography of the Holy Land.

Ogles wants a formal investigation. I can hear it now.

"Rep. Ogles, are you sure those were depictions of gay sexual acts?"

"Well, that's how they look on Pornhub."

And yes, the congressman's real last name in Ogles. The MAGA movement is tragically light on irony.

The alternative halftime show was such a dog you could hear it barking for miles.

Faux hillbilly Kid Rock sang about Jesus because every American celebrity knows that, when the hits stop coming, you can always pimp Christ. The "country stars" on the show were third-raters who would have made Johnny Cash reach for a pistol.

Super Bowl weekend was very cold where I live. In the city next to my suburb, a warming center was open every night. You could show up drunk, sober, high, crazy or shaking with the nerve fire of opiate withdrawal and they'd give you a cot.

You ever see someone have what they call a "dope seizure"? Sometimes, they just lock all up over, stiff. Sometimes, they flop around, exactly like they were miming gay sex acts.

Somebody ought to investigate that, and there should be a formal hearing. If someone has a dope seizure on the sidewalk in front of the public library, it's OK if your kid sees him/her die, but you don't want your kid to see anything that looks like gay sex. They're only little for such a short time. Let them be children.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.