ArcaMax

Hello, Occupied France, from your Favorite Country, America! Happy 1944 or, as the late, great Hannibal Lecter put it, Steak au Poivre! It's me, YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT, DONALD TRUMP!

Good news, Frog People. No one ever thought anything like this could ever be thought of, much less done except by me, your favorite President, so I'm doing it: I'm bringing MY ARMY to come LIBERATE YOU from the worst, evil people, Germany (except for my father's family)! Not that you're grateful for everything America did for the radical Left lunatic Lafayette during your "French Revolution," am I right?

One of our great generals, Dwight D. "Ike" Eisenhower -- some people say he's better than Caesar AND Cicero -- will soon be arriving in Normandy, which we have renamed after the great city of Omaha in Nebraska, because who can spell "Normandy," with thousands of soldiers and big strong ships and the HUGEST BIGGEST GUNS EVER. You're welcome!!!

MAKE FRANCE GREAT AGAIN!

And welcome us as "Liberators"! Or ELSE!

To be honest, I'm not sure how much actual "liberation" is the actual real reason for this "D-Day" -- everyone said it should be named after me, who am I to say no? Also, we must make sure that France never develops one of these newfangled "nuclear weapons." Unlike us, they might use one against civilian targets! Also, France might get long-range airplanes! Then they could drop croissants and escargots on our hot American daughters and, to a much lesser extent, wives! Also, our ally Great Britain told us they were about to attack you and that you would have retaliated against our troops if any were nearby, so we had to defend ourselves from that future imminent long-term threat. Also, regime change.

So why am I coming to bomb and invade you into freedom? Don't know yet! Keeping my excuse options open! Which is why I didn't go to Congress OR talk to the American people. I might NEVER tell them why I'm doing this invasion.

(except the British king told me to)

Well, partial regime change. As you know, we have already OBLITERATED the very bad, very old dictator, Jean-Philippe Petain. Loser! You're welcome! All other members of the Vichy puppet regime and their Nazi puppeteers now face certain DEATH! Unless they make a deal, in which case they are guaranteed FULL IMMUNITY! Operators are standing by.

First, though, you may have already noticed that, along with our partner England, which is beloved everywhere and especially by the great French people, have FLATTENED Paris, Marseilles, Lyon and every other major city VERY HARD. So stay indoors where it's safe under the rubble! Now it is your government to take! From indoors. And you'd better pick someone I like, or -- MORE FLATTENING!

The choice is yours, Frogmen! Miss this chance for the new GOLDEN AGE, with a beautiful Trump New Paris casino on the site of the old, ugly, woke "Notre Dame," or certain death and NO AMNESTY. So make a deal, except the only deal on offer now and for all time will be UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!!!

Or we can talk about it.

As everyone knows, France stole its incredible wealth of delicious food and incredible wine (not that I would know since the fruit of the vine never stains my virgin lips) from its rightful, true, democratically elected owner, King Louis XVI. Which is why our glorious Army of Liberation has asked, and he has of course already agreed because I asked him to do it and because he's not all that busy these days, the great Henri d'Orleans, Count of Paris and great-great-grandson of King Louis Philippe I, who was first cousin once removed to Louis XVI as everyone knows and loves, to lead the Transitional Government of France until there are Free Elections! Which there may never be. Because nothing says democracy like monarchy!!! Especially when it's freely imposed by a massive armada, biggest armada ever!

Oh, and our English friends will be taking back all the parts of "France" stolen from England in your 40, 60 and 100 Years Wars!! Which will free up France to be "lean and mean" as we rebuild the Land of the Frogs economically until everyone, even and especially the "Nazis" who have already apologized to me personally, is happy!

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!!!

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Ted Rall, the political cartoonist, columnist and graphic novelist, is the author of the brand-new "What's Left: Radical Solutions for Radical Problems." He co-hosts the left-vs-right DMZ America podcast with fellow cartoonist Scott Stantis and The TMI Show with political analyst Manila Chan. Subscribe: tedrall.Substack.com.

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