ArcaMax

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then ...Read more

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

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The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

"Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!"

"Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you...Read more

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their ...Read more

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, ...Read more

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would ...Read more

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.

The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."

The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical ...Read more

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

"Let's start off with some good news - North Korea has agreed to halt their nuclear weapons program. The bad news they're going to keep making the Kia." --Jay Leno

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"One really embarrassing moment from the Emmys when William Shatner had to be evacuated from the buffet. I don't want to say the show was a disaster, but former Presidents...Read more

They were studying for finals and grabbing snacks from the student union on a gossamer spring day. Each flashcard and burrito and blanket on a lawn comprised the unspoken curriculum of life. A crop of new adults becoming who they will be.

And then the thing happened. Let's be honest, the thing they always knew was coming. The thing they've ...Read more

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. ...Read more

Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.

Flood smiled.

"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way ...Read more