ArcaMax

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either ...Read more

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Potential Murder Suspect

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I ...Read more

Knock Knock
Who's there!
Four Eggs!
Four Eggs who ?
Four Eggs ample !

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the ...Read more

General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.

The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that darned sniper?"

The sergeant looked down at the general and ...Read more

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was ...Read more

One of the things I find to be a complete waste of time is shaving my legs. It's not that I don't need it, it's just that the shave lasts all of about eight hours before the werewolf in me begins to reemerge. Additionally, with the vast acreage of hairy body parts that need to be attended to, it takes half the day to remove it all. It is ...Read more

Ol' Doc McTavish had a slow schedule, and a hankering to go golfing. But by the time he decided to go, his office assistant, Seamus, had already booked three appointments -- right in the middle of the day. Doc McTavish came up with a plan.

"Seamus," he said, "I can't cancel the appointments, so I want you to see the three patients."

"Yes, sir!...Read more

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism. I would remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-yuh," declared the man, "that's what I like...Read more

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it...Read more