ArcaMax

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an ...Read more

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." "All right. How long do you need them?"

...Read more

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a ...Read more

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.

Q: Why is the book "...Read more

"What do you want for dinner?" I asked my husband.

"How about fish?" he replied.

I shook my head. "I had fish for lunch. How about steak?"

"I'm sick of steak," he said. "How about chicken?"

I nodded. "Chicken it is."

My husband went outside to light the grill while I jumped in the car to go get the food. I had planned to run into the ...Read more

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.

When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

"We're required to ...Read more

An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar.

A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure," he says.

So the bartender ...Read more

- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!

- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

- When God made you, he was showing off

- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!

- Hang up and drive!

- Welcome to America. Now speak English

- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But Me."

- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

...Read more