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Marry Me

Humor / Jokes /

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the ...Read more

Money Problems

Humor / Jokes /

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars."

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I ...Read more

Jerry Zezima/Jerry Zezima/TNS

Jerry Zezima: The inside story

Humor / Humor Columns /

Every 10 years, my internal clock, which I inadvertently swallowed while eating Jell-O, reminds me to have a colonoscopy.

Unfortunately, the sulfate solution I took to wash down the Jell-O and everything else I ingested on my one-day liquid preparation diet would have lost to sewer sludge in a blind taste test.

That’s the sacrifice I made to...Read more

How Government Works

Humor / Jokes /

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: ...Read more

Forgiveness

Humor / Jokes /

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I ...Read more

Yesterday

Humor / Jokes /

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my...Read more

Airline Operating Systems

Humor / Jokes /

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast...Read more

Wheelbarrow Bet

Humor / Jokes /

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something ...Read more

Every Star Loves Their Mother | Celebrity Mothers | The Graham Norton Show

Humor / Jokes /

Watch Hollywood's biggest stars share their most HEARTWARMING & HILARIOUS stories about their own incredible mothers!

Please Don’t Destroy - Mikey Madison Is Squidward - SNL

Humor / Jokes /

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy have questions about Mikey Madison's outfit.

Foxes Jumping on my Trampoline

Humor / Jokes /

Here are a couple of wild foxes jumping on my trampoline. They were having lots of fun! I live in Colorado. Yes, they are wild foxes who lived in my backyard for a summer. I never saw them do this again, and never saw them again after the summer was over.

Michelle Monaghan on Filming The White Lotus, Three Women on Vacation Dynamic & Online Fan Theories

Humor / Jokes /

Michelle talks about working on “The White Lotus,” people relating to her storyline, getting texts from friends with varying degrees of approval for her character Jaclyn’s actions, everyone in the cast wanting to know the backstory of her character, and all of the online theories.

How Many Dildos Is Too Many? Texas Offers An Answer

Humor / Jokes /

While Florida debates rolling back child labor laws, the Lone Star State is focused on legislation to control residents' access to sex toys.

Natasha Rothwell Couldn't Stop Screaming While Reading The White Lotus' Season 3 Script

Humor / Jokes /

Natasha Rothwell talks about how she reacted when she was asked to return for Season 3 of The White Lotus, collaborating with Mike White on the writing process for her character and adopting her new dog, Wilson.

Awful Breakfast

Humor / Jokes /

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough.

"I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread.

"Finally, I'll have a...Read more

Instead of a Nursing Home

Humor / Jokes /

There will be no nursing home in my future........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities ...Read more

Do You Serve...?

Humor / Jokes /

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

A Plausible Explanation?

Humor / Jokes /

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and ...Read more

Optometrist

Humor / Jokes /

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis- missed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"

[...Read more

Kids, Pull Yourselves Up by the Bootstraps!

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Eyes up, children. It's 2025, and you can say goodbye to Takis and Mountain Dew Code Red by the pool. Government is getting more efficient, and fast. That means everyone will have to work harder, including those of you with a still-soft prefrontal cortex.

It's time you learned a few things about life. We're dumping boring meetings held in ...Read more

 

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