Humor
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Jerry Zezima: Plate expectations
I may not be the chief cook in my house (that would be my wife, Sue, without whom I would have starved to death long ago), but I am the chief bottle washer.
And I don’t wash only bottles. I also clean glasses, mugs, cups, saucers, bowls, plates, pots, pans, tongs, whisks, spatulas, ladles, forks, knives, spoons and, most important, ice cream ...Read more
Robin Williams' Nuclear Comedy Improv | The Dick Cavett Show
Watch Robin Williams and Richard engage in sidesplitting Shakespearean improv on the Three Mile Island incident. The comedic duo hilariously navigates nuclear disasters and laughter in this unforgettable performance. Get ready for a blend of wit, satire, and improv genius that only these two comedic maestros can deliver!
Tom Hanks Talks Iconic “There’s No Crying in Baseball” Line, Toy Story 5 and This World of Tomorrow
Tom Hanks talks about being on The Love Boat, how Tim Allen jokingly made him take Buzz and Woody photos with cast members after a performance of This World of Tomorrow and filming his iconic line in A League of Their Own.
Cher on Talking About Her Relationships in Memoir & She Answers Rapid Fire Questions About Her Life
Cher talks about how she spent the holidays, making her own pasta sauce, her memoir being #1 on the New York Times list for six weeks, writing about losing her virginity, her relationship with Sonny, working together on their show, the man who motivated her to divorce Sonny, writing advice columns for teen magazines in the sixties, the second ...Read more
Seth Meyers Surprises His Kids with a Late Night Interview
Seth Meyers invites his children Ashe, Axel and Adelaide to talk about dressing up for their annual Thanksgiving turkey photo, the time Ashe and Axel got into a fight at a Pittsburgh Steelers game and more.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Takes The Colbert Questionert
If you don’t know his favorite action movie, or what he thinks happens when we die, do you really know Arnold Schwarzenegger? Check out his new book, “Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life,” and treat yourself to more episodes of The Colbert Questionert via our playlist: • The Colbert Questionert .
Mergers, part 3
... continued from above
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics, Honeywell Computers, and Rothschild will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
Continued below...
Mergers, part 2
... continued from above
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Continued below...
Careful What You Wish For
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was ...Read more
Two Engineering Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
"The second ...Read more
Healthy Lifestyle
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How ...Read more
Taxing Flag
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see ...Read more
Teenagers...
My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.
"Oh, sure....Read more
Political Support
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
...Read more
One-Liners
-- When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
-- I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
-- The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
-- I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.
-- If...Read more
McCarthy Was Totally Misunderstood, Bro
It is hereby the official position of Florida's State Board of Education that Joseph McCarthy was actually a pretty chill dude.
Per our newly adopted teaching standards, students will learn that the much-maligned senator and boss dunker of lefties was a down guy, an alpha dog ahead of his time.
Furthermore, students will understand that if ...Read more
The Trump Train Is Already Off The Rails
Trump met with TV journalists to shout some in-person angry tweets, and Senator Jeff Sessions may the first politician in history to think the KKK is too chill.
Headlines, part 3
... continued from above
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Continued below...
More New Vocabulary
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal ...Read more
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