ArcaMax

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How ...Read more

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see ...Read more

But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure....Read more

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

...Read more

-- When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

-- I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

-- The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

-- I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first.

-- If...Read more

It is hereby the official position of Florida's State Board of Education that Joseph McCarthy was actually a pretty chill dude.

Per our newly adopted teaching standards, students will learn that the much-maligned senator and boss dunker of lefties was a down guy, an alpha dog ahead of his time.

Furthermore, students will understand that if ...Read more

... continued from above

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Continued below...

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal ...Read more

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran...Read more

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey

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"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant

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Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six ...Read more

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men s they're a bunch of liars.

A red neck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took all the gosh-darned day!"

The ...Read more

Ya.

Ya who?

What are you getting so excited about?

... continued from above

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

... continued from above

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

Continued below...

"Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want."