Humor
/Entertainment
True or False
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. ...Read more
Penny Scale
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Mechanical Engineers vs. Civil Engineers
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Ancient Chinese Proverb
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but monkey hindquarters.
Alligators
A blonde camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog, despite signs saying: "No Swimming - Alligators."
She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back.
"Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe.
"Sure,...Read more
Molly Shannon on Waiting on Celebrities, Movie with Mark Wahlberg & Will Ferrell's Crazy Prediction
Molly talks about being a waitress at The Old Spaghetti Factory, working at a restaurant that Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts came in to, an interaction with a fan that made her question everything, shooting the movie Balls Up with Mark Wahlberg, doing cold plunges, the first time she met Will Ferrell and the crazy prediction he made when ...Read more
“Weird Al” Yankovic on Big Artists Wanting Him to Parody Their Songs, Playing Accordion & New Tour
Weird Al talks about the last time he saw Jimmy, owning the nickname “Weird,” getting his start in college radio, writing "My Bologna," big artists like Madonna wanting him to parody their songs, "White & Nerdy” being his biggest hit, bowling for charity with Pee-Wee Herman & Little Steven, learning to play accordion when he was very young...Read more
Real Life Superman IRL
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... a Just for Laughs gag. In this prank, a man who fancies himself to be the next Superman (or the real Superman, nobody's sure) asks prank victims to film his amazing feats. Though at first they're sceptical that this guy has any super human powers, they're shocked and amazed when the camera shows this hero ...Read more
"I'm In The Epstein Files For An Awesome Reason" - Patton Oswalt
Emmy- and GRAMMY-winning comedian Patton Oswalt reveals why his name is mentioned by Jeffrey Epstein in an email that is part of the latest batch of files released by the Department of Justice. "Tea & Scotch" premieres on YouTube on June 9th.
A deer turned my harp session into a Disney movie
Song is "The Sound of Silence", by Simon & Garfunkel. Harp is the Fullsicle, by Harpsicle. Deer is startled.
Sahara Desert
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the ...Read more
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to ...Read more
It is to Laff
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His wife!
What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
You can't keep a good man down!
Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect!
When did Caesar reign?
I didn't know he reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him?
Teacher: Where is...Read more
You Know You're Over The Hill When...
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that ...Read more
School Bus
It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be ...Read more
Theater Dog
A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog.
As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and ...Read more
Who Would Know?
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out,...Read more
Blonde Stop
A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!".
The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!...
For The Kids...
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!
What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!
How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
Party Entertainment...
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to ...Read more
