An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes...Read more

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked...Read more

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. - Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but...Read more

There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from ...Read more

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, ...Read more

... continued from above

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, ...Read more

... continued from above

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary ...Read more

Menicillin - Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an ...Read more

I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice ...Read more

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said,"go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I ...Read more

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

From a contractor:

"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From my dentist:

"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:

"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter ...Read more

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to ...Read more

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take ...Read more

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."