Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?

Homeless!

"Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk in order to provide articles for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the ...Read more

A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"

To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we haven't been able to prove it yet!"

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.

Seeing it ...Read more

With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of 'A Visit From St. Nicholas'

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with ...Read more

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or ...Read more

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.

"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.

"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like ...Read more

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one ...Read more

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."

A blonde goes into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor."

The librarian replies, "This is a library."

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."

On a slow day with few customers, a clerk at a telegram office looks down from her counter and sees a dog waiting in line.

"Oh, aren't you cute?" she says. "What would you like me to put on your telegram?"

"Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow," the dog replies.

The clerk says in a cutesy voice, "But you can add another 'Bow wow wow' for the same price."...Read more

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?
He had his own frog horn!

Where do you get frogs eggs?
At the spawn shop!

What's a toads favorite sweet?
Lollihops!

What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent!

How did the toad die?
He simply croaked!

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In ...Read more