1. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!"

2. "I am fluent in over six mil..."

3. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure."

4. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!"

5. To Lando: "Hiya master!"

6. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..."

7. "Emperor my butt!"

8. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!"

...Read more

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - 'Our Father, who does art in Heaven..."

During the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. They followed the source of the ...Read more

A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation and said, "As you can see, she just loves UPS men."

"Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby.

Eyebrow raised, ...Read more

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the ...Read more

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife ...Read more

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

- Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, automatically it activates the horn of the car behind you?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a ...Read more

Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through the Great Depression."

"Yes Harry."

"Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and the eighties."

"Yes Harry."

"And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires...Read more