Asking Eric: Readers share ways to talk about a child after loss
Dear Readers: On March 16, I shared a letter from “Mother of Three,” who lost her daughter five years ago and felt unsure about how to respond when people ask, “how many children do you have?” A number of readers wrote in with thoughtful and empathetic suggestions. I’d like to share four with you today.
Dear Eric: I lost my beautiful, intelligent oldest son to alcoholism three years ago. If the situation is casual, I respond that we raised three boys and now have four grandchildren, including girls, a new experience for us! For many situations, that is enough information.
When conversations go deeper, I calmly say that we lost a son to alcoholism, an important fact that needs to be said. It can be an awkward moment, but I say that we have many blessings and enjoy life with all of our family and friends.
– Mother of Three
Dear Mother: I like that you frame your answer in a way that feels most comfortable for you; that’s key. Also, by sharing more information when you choose to, you never know who you might help. Thank you for writing and I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
Dear Eric: I understand “Mother of Three.” I lost two adult children, my son Alan to ALS, and my younger daughter, Leslie, to advanced breast cancer, five and three years ago. I, too, felt awkward when asked how many children I have. It's easier if I say one, but then I feel I'm negating my children who died. What I say now is, "I have one surviving child, a daughter who lives in Seattle." Sometimes I say more, sometimes not.
– Another Mom of Three
Dear Mom: I’m sorry for the loss of Alan and Leslie. What I see in your answer is an awareness that sometimes we’re in a place to share more extensively and sometimes we’re not, and both are just right. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Eric: I, too, lost a child five years ago. He was 17 and suffered an unintentional overdose. Early on as I dealt with similar feelings, I decided I would never deny my son's existence in any situation. So, when the inevitable questions come up with new people about how many children I have and what they are doing with their lives, etc., I say I have two children and one of them has passed away. Then I follow up with, "It's OK I love to talk about him!” And I do!
His loss is as much a part of knowing me as anything you can see on the surface. I hope this helps.
– Another Angel Mom
Dear Angel Mom: What a beautiful and wise point – every part of your son’s journey will always be a part of your life. I’m glad that talking about him brings you joy and I’m sorry for the loss you endured.
Dear Eric: I have a friend who lost her son to suicide and in researching how to help I came across this idea. My friend responds by saying "I have a son who died two years ago and a daughter who is [daughter’s age] and lives in Boulder." That way people can respond to the degree they are able. People who are not close usually ask about the daughter and do not respond about the son, and those who are closer, have a similar experience, or feel comfortable discussing it and ask about the son.
– Reader
Dear Reader: This is another graceful way of navigating this conversation with truthfulness and an awareness that some different people bring in different emotions and experiences to a conversation.
Dear Eric: I'd like to offer other suggestions for "Sister in the Middle", the woman whose sister has a verbally abusive, controlling son. I've worked in the Long-Term Care world for more than 20 years and if she fears that her sister is truly being verbally abused, and she's concerned about her sister's well-being, she can call Adult Protective Services (APS) in the county the sister lives in. She can make an anonymous call, sharing all the concerns she has. Sounds to me like a definite concern for elder abuse and isolation.
Elder abuse has many forms, this situation sounds concerning and calling APS can be a safe, effective way to ensure the sister's safety by people who are able to be impartial, unbiased but also be there for this woman's sister when she can't.
It may appear to be intrusive, and family/friends are sometimes hesitant to call but the alternative is having a loved one continue to live in any type of abusive relationship, even if it is with her child.
– Concerned Social Worker Who Cares
Dear Social Worker: Thank you for this resource. If the sister is a senior, APS can provide much-needed support.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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