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Dear Eric: For years I was in a toxic, abusive relationship. Fortunately, I ended it and my family and friends supported me along the way. Now I'm in a new relationship with a healthy person but the tables have turned. Through couples and individual therapy, I have realized that, due to an undiagnosed neurodivergence and childhood trauma, I have become the abuser (verbally/emotionally).

I am sick to realize this and actively/aggressively trying to change. Here's the problem: when I share about some of the struggles I'm going through, almost none of my friends or family believe I could be causing any problems in my current relationship. They all take my side and assume my current partner must be gaslighting or manipulating me into believing I'm the problem. This is simply not true.

How should I navigate these situations? I'm trying to grow and improve myself, yet my family and friends mostly are so defensive of me because of my last relationship.

– Trying to Change

Dear Change: Your friends and family may not be in the best position to help you through this part of your journey. Now, I want to caution that isolation from friends and family is one of the signs of an abusive relationship, so I’m not suggesting that you pull away from them, especially if they’re expressing concerns about your current relationship. However, as you noted, because they’re not privy to everything you’re working through in therapy, they may not have a full picture of who you are.

Talk about this in your individual therapy. Ask your therapist to help you test your thinking and actions. Work on tactics for sharing yourself and your journey with your loved ones in ways that support your goals.

Think about your objectives. If you want to communicate in a healthier way in your relationship, you might share what you’re trying to do moving forward, rather than what you feel you did wrong in the past.

This is ultimately not about choosing sides. So, keep the focus on how you want to show up in healthy ways in all your relationships. Enlist their support in keeping you accountable to your best intentions. And, while you’re doing that, consider taking a step back from this relationship. It may serve you both to have time to work on yourselves before reuniting in, hopefully, a healthier way.

Dear Eric: For more than 30 years I have gathered with old friends at a remote cabin in the early spring. We have all known each other for a long time. We fish, cook, hike, play cards late into the night and drink beer or cocktails.

One of these friends, over the last five years, has become more and more obnoxious with his late-night drinking. It is at a point where a couple of the other guests will not come if he is there.

Last year, he was out-of-control drunk, yelling at 2 a.m. and keeping everyone awake. He could not be stopped. The next morning, he was unapologetic and acting like “what's the big deal?”

I have not invited him this year and for some reason I am uncomfortable with that decision. On emails or phone calls he is the old friendly person I have known for years. He is well aware of what he did last year. We all told him. When people say his behavior was unacceptable, he brushes it off and says, "Yeah, yeah, I get it, I get it."

He will not be invited any more, but I am still unsure how to handle this. Do I tell him outright what is going on? Let him figure it out himself? At this point, do I owe him an explanation? To be honest, I don't even want to discuss it. He will only try to worm his way back into an invitation. I want the problem to just go away.

– Closed Cabin

Dear Cabin: It sounds to me like you’ve already given him an explanation, and he has chosen to brush it off. I’m not sure much more is warranted.

However, because he’s been included for the last 30 years, it seems unlikely you’ll be able to avoid at least having a conversation about it. He probably expects an invitation and might reach out when one doesn’t come. It may be easier to just address it directly and succinctly. This also might be an opportunity to express your concern about his worsening drinking and ask him to get help. That’s of greater importance than elaborating on the group’s disinvitation.

Depending on the structure of your group, the responsibility of telling him he’s off the guest list may not need to fall squarely on you. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, see if you can tag someone else in.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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