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Dear Eric: My father died and I held a small memorial service for him. It was traumatic as my dad was not a great guy.

I was confronted at the ceremony by my half-sister, whom I did not recognize as I hadn’t seen her for 43 years.

She came to the funeral to make sure her father was dead and to confront me about her mother (my stepmother).

My stepmother took out her anger and frustration with her husband on me. She slapped me often and was not kind.

At the funeral my half-sister told me I was emotionally disturbed and my memories of being slapped were lies. I’m livid.

My stepmother died shortly after and so I sent a huge bouquet and a card. I then went through a storage unit and found many pics of my stepmother (tasteful, lovely portraits), and I sent them to my half-sister. I did not expect a thanks.

I’m so angry my half-sister came to the funeral of a man she hated to set me straight. I wanted to write her a letter telling her what my perspective was. I found obscenely pornographic images of their mother also which I did not include in my thoughtful gift. Now I feel like sending them to her. The saintly mother was not so saintly. I'm having a lot of angry thoughts. Any ideas?

– A Thousand Words

Dear Words: Throw the photos away. Sending them is not going to make you feel better, nor is it going to heal the harm that was done to you as a child.

There was a lot of trauma that surrounded your upbringing and that’s not your fault. It’s not fair that your half-sister came to the funeral seemingly only to chastise you. From your telling, it seems that wasn’t really about you. And it might be helpful to start to think of many aspects of your family as not really about you.

Your half-siblings had their own relationship with their mother and have signed on to whatever narrative they believe. It doesn’t seem to be fully working for them as your sister felt the need to approach you after 43 years to correct your narrative. That’s not something you can change or impact, even with a letter. She has to be in a place where you can have a productive conversation and she’s not there right now.

Writing her a letter might be helpful but write a few drafts first. There’s a lot of emotion in this situation, understandably, and you may find that the process of writing the letter is actually the thing you need, rather than the sending of it or any correspondence that comes after.

Indeed, it doesn’t seem that, right now, any further contact with your half-siblings is going to be helpful. Sending the photos will only make things worse. It may be hard to do, but try to step away from them, mentally and emotionally. They don’t have anything you need.

Dear Eric: My daughter is happily married with two beautiful children. My son-in-law is one of five children.

Recently my son-in-law accidentally discovered that he is excluded from his mom’s will.

His dad passed six months before their wedding. There has never been any conflict or circumstance that would initiate such a hurtful and shocking decision.

Although his mother lives nearby she shows little to no interest in her grandchildren. My daughter and son-in-law have always made the effort to include her in holidays, birthdays, et cetera.

He cannot unsee or comprehend what he now knows regarding her will. Should he tell her and ask her why before it’s too late?

– Left Out

Dear Left Out: Yes, he should, if only to get clarity that he wouldn’t be able to get after she passes. His goal shouldn’t be to convince her to revise her will. His goal should be to understand, as best he can, where his mother is coming from and to determine if there is some blockage or offense in their relationship of which he isn’t aware.

The will is the symptom here, not the sickness, as it were. Many people use wills to underscore the relationships – to people, pets, and institutions – that were meaningful to them in life. It can be a document that reflects a person’s values.

Having seen this document and found that he’s not in it, your son-in-law has the opportunity to ask his mother about her values and the meaning of their relationship. He could begin the conversation by saying something simple like, “I accidentally saw this document and the fact that I’m not mentioned seems to send a message to me. Is that a message you’re intending to send and, if so, can we take this time to talk it through so that I understand?”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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