Dear Anna,

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and recently found that he has been sexting strangers (single women and couples) on an app the entire time we’ve been together. When I found out I felt hurt, not just from the sexting but also because he has refused to sext with me ever. And he rarely initiates sex with me, and has turned down all my attempts when I try to. He says that it was just playing out fantasies through words, and swears that he never hooked up with anyone. I believe him but don’t know how to move forward from this. Is it cheating? — Sexting Others Sucks

Dear SOS,

There's a special kind of pain that comes from finding your partner has been sharing intimate words with strangers — particularly when said words have been explicitly withheld from you. That does, indeed, suck.

Because now the rejection you've felt in your own attempts at connection carries the additional weight of broken trust.

As I’ve said before, there’s no universal definition of "cheating" — each couple has to define this for themselves. Unfortunately, many couples never explicitly discuss these boundaries at all, leading to hurt feelings when unstated lines are crossed.

TL;DR: Discuss your boundaries early and often in relationships!

When navigating morally ambiguous situations, I find it helpful to ask yourself one simple question: Will this action hurt my partner? If yes, then you already have your answer about whether you should proceed.

Your boyfriend’s actions hurt you and even if digital actions land differently than physical ones, betrayal isn't measured by physical touch alone. It's measured by the secrets kept, the intimacy shared elsewhere, and the rejection you've experienced within your relationship.

What makes this situation particularly painful is the contradiction: He refuses the very intimacy with you that he freely gives to strangers. This rejection creates a wound that cuts deeper than the sexting itself. You've been left wondering: Why them and not me? What's wrong with me?

The answer is nothing — there's nothing wrong with you. This situation speaks to issues within him and within your relationship.

His explanation that these were "just fantasies" fails to address the real issue — that he's created an intimate barrier between you while lowering those barriers for others. Fantasy exploration can be great and healthy, but not when it comes at the cost of your primary relationship's intimacy.

So what now?

First, honor your feelings. Don't minimize your hurt or let anyone convince you that digital connections "don't count." They clearly matter to him, or he wouldn't spend time seeking them. And they clearly matter to you because you wrote to me.

Second, have a truly honest conversation about your sexual compatibility. If he's unable or unwilling to engage sexually with you but needs sexual outlets, this represents a fundamental misalignment. Ask directly: "What needs are being met through these conversations that aren't being addressed between us?" His answer — and his willingness to answer honestly — will tell you much about the potential future of your relationship.

Third, establish clear boundaries. If you choose to continue the relationship, what digital behavior is acceptable to you? What steps will he take to rebuild trust? Will he allow transparency about his online activities?

Finally, consider what you truly want. A relationship should make you feel desired, respected and emotionally secure. If these basic needs aren't being met after a year together, and especially after this breach of trust, ask yourself if this relationship truly serves your well-being.

Remember that relationships should add to your life, not diminish it. You deserve a partner who channels their desire and intimate energy toward you, not away from you. Whether this relationship can heal depends on his willingness to understand the depth of the hurt caused, take concrete steps to rebuild trust, and prioritize intimacy with you above connections with strangers.

Whatever you decide, know that your feelings are valid, your boundaries are important, and your happiness matters.

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