Dear Anna,

I’ve been with my partner for two years in a rocky but loving relationship. Our main issue is his all-consuming passion for photography. He's on his camera club's volunteer committee, attends meetings every Monday, shoots Wednesday and Thursday evenings plus some Fridays, and spends Saturday and Sunday mornings on photo walks. He takes multiple weekend trips annually for photography workshops and uses vacation time for them too. He handles club admin constantly — even getting in trouble at work for doing it during office hours and during our date nights.

Despite many arguments about feeling like I have to slot into his existing lifestyle rather than building one together, I thought we'd reached a compromise. Then today changed everything. There's an important community event coming up that means a lot to me personally. He said he'd attend if he was “available,” but then messaged that he was doing a photography workshop instead. Something snapped inside me at that moment. After all the times I've supported his passion — attending his exhibitions, helping with equipment, cheering him on — he couldn't prioritize one event that matters deeply to me. I felt nothing — no love, hurt or disappointment. Just emptiness. How do I navigate this when I still love him but feel completely unsupported? — Hanging On Barely By Yarn

Dear HOBBY,

Oh boy.

That hollow feeling you described? That's your inner wisdom clanging like a fire alarm, and it's time to listen up.

Here's the thing. Love isn't supposed to feel like you're auditioning for a supporting role in someone else's life story. You've been the world's most dedicated cheerleader for his photography dreams, but relationships are supposed to be a two-person show, not a solo act with an unpaid assistant.

There’s nothing wrong with passions and hobbies, obviously, but no one wants to feel like they’re coming in second to a Nikon. So what do you do?

First, stop being the accommodation queen! If he can't make time for your important stuff, you don't need to make time for his. This isn't petty — it's respecting your time and energy.

Next, gather yourself. Take a little time and write down three (or more) things that are genuinely important to you — not things you think should matter, but things that light you up inside. Maybe it's your career goals, your friendships, creative pursuits, family traditions or causes you care about. Be honest here. These should be things that make you feel most like yourself, the stuff that energizes you rather than drains you.

Once you've got that list, here's the tough part: ask yourself when was the last time he actively supported any of these things. And I mean really supported — not just nodding along when you mention them, but actually showing up, asking questions, making time or celebrating your wins. If you're drawing blanks or having to reach back months to find examples, that's something to pay attention to. It's not about keeping score, but about recognizing patterns.

This little exercise isn't meant to make you feel worse — it's meant to give you clarity. Sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day rhythm of a relationship that we forget to check whether our partner is actually invested in the things that matter to us. You've been pouring energy into his photography world, but relationships need to flow both ways.

Next, it's time for a come-to-Jeebus chat, but not when you're heated or he's rushing off to another photography thing. Pick a moment when you're both calm and have actual time to talk. Let him know how missing your important event hurt you, and say something like: “I'm not asking you to quit photography — I'm asking you to show up for me the way I show up for you. This isn't about one event; it's about feeling like I matter in your world.”

Be specific about what showing up looks like. Maybe it's attending something important to you without checking his phone for club emails. Maybe it's asking about your day and actually listening to the answer. Maybe it's making plans with you that he doesn't cancel for photography stuff. Don't let him turn this into a conversation about how you're trying to control his hobby — that's not what this is about.

After that conversation, give him 30 days to show genuine change — not promises, but actual behavioral shifts. Watch for actions, not words. Is he actually making time for you? Is he asking about things that matter to you? Is he following through on plans without making you feel like you're competing with his camera for attention? If he's still treating you like an optional extra rather than a priority after a month of conscious effort, you'll have your answer about where you truly stand in his life.

Sometimes people show us exactly who they are, and we keep hoping they'll become someone else. That numbness you felt? That's your heart protecting itself because it already knows what your head is still debating.

You deserve someone who gets excited about your excitement, who sees supporting you as a privilege, not a burden. Don't settle for being someone's “if I’m available” person when you're giving “always make time” energy.

The right person won't make you feel like you're competing with a hobby for attention. They'll make you feel like you're the best part of their whole world. Hold out for that — you're worth it.

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