Dear Anna,

I'm a 32-year-old woman with a problem I've recently learned is called “limerence,” and it's destroying my life. Every few years, I become completely obsessed with someone — usually someone unavailable, like a coworker who's married, a friend's partner or someone who's made it clear they're not interested. It starts innocently enough: I think about them a little more than normal, replay conversations, check their social media. But then it spirals. Soon I'm manufacturing reasons to be near them, analyzing every interaction for hidden meaning, convinced there's a mutual connection they're just too afraid to acknowledge. The worst part? I know it's not real. I know I'm building a fantasy relationship in my head while my actual life falls apart around me. I've sabotaged a perfectly good relationship because I couldn't stop obsessing over someone else. I've made myself physically sick with anxiety waiting for texts that never come. My therapist says I'm using these obsessions to avoid real intimacy, but knowing that doesn't stop it from happening. Right now I'm spiraling over my gym trainer who is definitely just being friendly and professional, but my brain has decided he's “the one.” How do I break this pattern? I'm exhausted from my own thoughts. — Trapped In My Imaginary Dreams

Dear TIMID,

First, let's talk about what limerence actually is. It's an intense romantic infatuation that comes with intrusive thoughts, emotional highs and lows, and an aching sensation when uncertainty is strong or the object of your affection is unreachable.

And here's the thing: Limerence is actually a normal state many of us experience in the early stages of love. It's nature's way of bonding us to potential partners, flooding our brains with good stuff like dopamine and making us feel gloriously alive.

Except when it's not glorious, of course.

When it's targeted at someone unavailable, unreliable or incompatible, limerence shifts from intoxicating euphoria into something closer to addiction. The key factor that drives unhealthy limerence is uncertainty. When you don’t get those romantic rewards you seek, desire doesn't calm down, it escalates. Your brain's reward system goes haywire, and suddenly you're trapped in a cycle of craving someone who can never actually satisfy that craving.

The devastation you're feeling is real, and your therapist maaaay be onto something, but let's get tactical for a minute. Neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, who wrote "Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence, and How to Make Love Last" after experiencing limerence himself, offers some concrete strategies that work with your brain chemistry rather than against it.

First, recognize that despite how magnificent this person seems, limerence is coloring your views. In other words, it’s in your head. That's where you need to fix it. This isn't about them being special, it's about your brain getting stuck in an addictive loop. Your trainer is not “the one” — he's just the current screen onto which you're projecting your fantasy.

How do you break the cycle? In a similar way to getting over a breakup, you limit contact — ruthlessly. Block them on social media. Reduce in-person interactions. Yes, this means finding a new trainer, I’m afraid. But you probably saw that coming.

Another wildly effective technique that Bellamy suggests is to turn your daydreams into daymares. When you fantasize about this person, deliberately change the script. If you're imagining a romantic moment, force it to go wrong. Like, they reject you, they laugh at you or they reveal something unappealing, like a bedroom filled with creepy Victorian dolls. When positive memories surface, deliberately replace them with memories of times they made you feel awful. You're training your brain to stop rewarding thoughts of this person.

But here's the crucial part: You can't just remove the obsession without replacing it with something meaningful. Use this pattern-breaking moment to invest in yourself. New hobbies, therapy focused on attachment issues (which you’re already doing, yay!), genuine friendships, projects that give you purpose, a new gym or form of exercise, etc. Basically, you need alternative sources of dopamine and meaning to help with the withdrawals, which you will experience. (Sorry.) And so you won’t fall off the wagon and contact the person when you shouldn’t.

But back to what your therapist said about avoiding real intimacy. Limerence is safe because it never has to face the messy reality of an actual relationship.

You're not broken. At all. You're just stuck in a neural loop that used to serve you but doesn't anymore. Break the loop and free yourself. It's time to get uncomfortable with real connection, the kind where someone actually knows you and chooses you — not the fantasy version, but the messy, wonderful, flaw-filled you.

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