Young Child Has Front-Row Seat In Abusive Marriage
DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Pat" and I live on opposite sides of the country. I am very concerned about Pat's daughter and granddaughter, "Mandy." Pat's son-in-law is verbally abusive. He calls Pat's daughter names and tells Mandy that Mommy is bad. Mandy is only 3 and already knows she has to be nice to Daddy so he doesn't yell at Mommy.
Pat's daughter refuses to leave her marriage until Mandy is older so as not to confuse her. I know this is terrible for the child and will cause her to have bad memories all her life. I'm also afraid that Pat's son-in-law will end up physically harming Mandy. Should I be trying to convince my friend to encourage her daughter to leave ASAP? Or do I need to step back and mind my own business?
My friend Pat is determined to stay out of this, and I'm very worried about everyone. -- WORRIED IN THE EAST
DEAR WORRIED: Pat's son-in-law is practicing parental alienation, and they aren't even divorced yet. Postponing the inevitable is doing Mandy no favors. She's at an impressionable age, and the attitudes the little girl is forming may remain with her for the rest of her life unless she receives help. I don't blame you for being worried.
Talk to Pat and suggest to her that she should remain silent no longer. Verbal abuse can easily escalate to physical abuse, and the time to draw the line is now. In case you need to pass this information along, the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Someone there can tell Pat or her daughter how to form a safe escape plan.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I used to live in the same city as his parents and sisters. We became very close, getting together several times a week. One of his sisters was my best friend. Because of work, we had to move about four hours away. Since then, we have felt increasingly isolated. I tried to call weekly, visit often and send gifts for every holiday.
About a year in, I realized we were initiating all the contact and tried a little experiment. We stopped calling them. It took more than eight weeks for anyone to contact us. His mother calls his other siblings who live elsewhere every week, but not us. We visit them a few times a year, but they have never visited us despite invitations to do so. My husband is busy with work and, while it hurts him, he is able to forget about it. Although I live closer to my own family now, I mourn the loss of my friends and his family and feel frustrated that they don't care about us, seemingly caring about other family members more. Any advice? -- CAST OFF AND LONELY
DEAR LONELY: It appears you have too much free time on your hands. You can't change these people's behavior. Instead of brooding, stop dwelling on your in-laws' shortcomings and devote your energy to making friends in your new community. If you stop looking backward and find projects that interest you, you will meet like-minded people.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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