When You've Always Been There for Family -- and They're No Longer There for You
Dear Annie: I am an 85-year-old widow living alone. I have three children, five grandchildren and five great-grandchildren. In years past, when I was still driving, I would visit regularly and made it a point to stay involved. I helped pay for camps, lessons, pageants, tutors and even household expenses. I have always tried to be generous with both my time and resources.
But lately, I feel the closeness we once had slipping away. For example, I sent my youngest granddaughter, a college senior, a card and check for her birthday. She replied to a text confirming she received it, but she never thanked me. My daughter, who lives only two and a half hours away, has seen me just once this year, and that was at a funeral. She says her weekends are filled with great-grandchildren and time with a man she is dating.
I cannot help but feel disappointed and resentful. I was there for her during a painful divorce, offering both financial and emotional support, and I never imagined I would find myself in this position now. My other two children remain supportive, but I miss the closeness I once had with my daughter and grandchildren.
Do you have any suggestions for how I can cope with these changes and find peace? -- Lonely Mother and Grandmother
Dear Lonely: You have poured so much love and support into your family, and it is painful when that is not acknowledged or returned. It is natural to feel disappointed, but remember that you cannot control your daughter's choices or the path she is on. What you can control is where you place your time and your energy.
Continue to reach out with kindness, but avoid giving more than you are comfortable with, especially if it leaves you feeling unappreciated. Focus instead on the people who value your presence -- your other children, your great-grandchildren, your friends and your community. Seek out activities and groups that bring you companionship and joy.
You have already given more than enough. Now is the time to protect your peace and allow yourself to receive the love and support that is offered to you.
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