ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I'm a 73-year-old married woman, and my husband and I have a full social life. We regularly host other couples for happy hour, dinner and holidays. I enjoy it, and I'm grateful to have good friends at this stage of life.

One friend in particular is a woman my age whom I've known for years. We generally get along well, which is why this has caught me off guard. Lately, she has started making comments about my height. I'm 5 feet, 1 inch tall, and she's 5 feet, 3 inches, so it's not as if there's some dramatic difference. Yet in front of our friends, she calls me "Shortie" and sometimes pats the top of my head like I'm a child.

She does it in a joking way and laughs, as if it's harmless. But I do not find it funny. I find it degrading and disrespectful, especially because it happens in front of other couples in my own home. It also pushes a sore spot for me, and I can feel myself getting tense and defensive, which then makes me look touchy while she looks playful.

I have tried reacting with a smile, reacting with silence and even reacting sharply. None of it has stopped her. I do not want to create an awkward scene or embarrass her, but I also do not want to keep tolerating something that makes me feel small in every sense of the word.

What is the best way to respond in the moment, and what should I say privately so she stops for good? -- Feeling Degraded

Dear Feeling Degraded: You are not being overly sensitive. Patting an adult on the head is not "cute." It is condescending, and doing it in front of others puts you in a spot where you can't win because, as you described, you could end up looking like the immature one.

Next time, handle it calmly in the moment with a steady line and a small smile. Ask her to please not pat your head. If she laughs, repeat yourself once, followed by, "I'm serious. Don't." Then move on to another topic. There's no speech or debate necessary.

Afterward, tell her privately and plainly, "I know you mean it as a joke, but it feels disrespectful to me. I'm asking you to stop." A real friend will apologize and quit. If she keeps doing it, you have learned something important about her.

People only keep pressing a button when it keeps ringing. Try not to let her know it bothers you, but if she persists, then you could stop inviting her over.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.