ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I am writing about a friendship that has weighed on my heart for quite some time. I have known this woman for more than 20 years, and in many ways, she has been a loyal and lively part of my life. We have celebrated happy occasions together, seen one another through disappointments and shared the kind of history that is not easily replaced.

But in recent years, our friendship has begun to feel less like a comfort and more like a burden. Nearly every conversation revolves around her troubles, her grievances, her worries and the endless complications of her daily life. When she telephones, what begins as a simple chat often turns into a lengthy recital of complaints. If I attempt to speak about my own concerns, I am either interrupted or quickly brushed aside.

I do not mean to sound unkind. She has endured her share of hardships, and I know life has not always been easy for her. Still, I find myself feeling emotionally worn thin after our talks. Not long ago, I spent well over an hour on the telephone listening to one crisis after another, and when I finally hung up, I felt more depleted than comforted.

Lately, I have caught myself hesitating when I see her name on the caller ID. I feel guilty for avoiding her, yet I also resent feeling as though I must always be on duty. Is there a gracious way to place limits on a friendship without seeming selfish or cruel? And is it wrong to step back from someone I care for when the relationship has become so one-sided? -- Weary But Still Caring

Dear Weary: A friendship should feel like a porch swing, not a full-time shift. You should feel at ease around your friends, and the energy you put into being there for them should come back to you. Caring for someone does not mean handing over all your emotional real estate. It is perfectly all right to shorten the calls, speak up kindly and protect your peace.

You can be compassionate without becoming her complaint department. Setting boundaries is so important for friendships, which is why my newest book, "Out of Bounds," is devoted to the topic. It may seem difficult to set them at first, but without boundaries, there is no structure to maintain healthy relationships.

Next time your friend calls and begins unloading on you, tell her, "I care about you, but I only have a few minutes to talk." That is not at all cruel or selfish. That is called setting a boundary, and even good manners need one.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.