Insult Followed By 'no Hard Feelings!' Is Still An Insult
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the president of a social club that organizes activities for the LGBTQ community and allies. Our club is part of a regional association of similar social clubs that are not geared towards the LGBTQ community.
Several times a year, the regional association has a social event for all of the regional clubs. Generally, members of our club are warmly welcomed and enjoy participating in these events.
At the last regional event, a prominent member of a different club informed me that, although he "loved" the individual members of our club, he would not be attending any of our club functions because the Bible condemns homosexuality as a sin, and his attendance would be tantamount to condoning sinful behavior.
I'm not sure why he felt compelled to share that view with me. I certainly didn't solicit it. At the end of the conversation, he asked if he could give me a hug goodbye to show that there were no hard feelings. Flabbergasted, and not wanting to cause a scene, I did hug him.
The next day, I received an email from him stating that he hoped he hadn't offended me and he looked forward to seeing me at the next regional event. That event is scheduled for a few weeks from now. I have no interest in engaging with this person.
Do you have advice on how to courteously avoid having to interact with him, especially if he approaches me for a conversation?
GENTLE READER: Since this man has already forgiven himself for the unpleasant interaction and any offense it caused, Miss Manners sees no need for you to indulge his prejudices for even a minute longer.
She suggests that you develop a keen interest in every other person at the event -- or even the refreshments, if necessary -- whenever you see him approach. But be prepared to step back from any approaching hugs.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My landlady is a kind and thoughtful woman. She goes out of her way to ensure the comfort and livelihood of my roommate and me, even going so far as to bring us a big plate of turkey every year on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
However, while I am always -- always -- effusively grateful and do my best to show her the same considerations, I have never sent a thank-you note. I was simply never taught, and am saddened to think I missed out on so many wonderful opportunities to do so.
I want to start writing thank-you notes as a practice. Is there any decorous way to acknowledge my failure to do so over the past few years and to express my regret? Or would that simply be self-indulgence, detracting from my message of gratitude?
GENTLE READER: It is not too late to begin the habit -- nor is your current situation as bad as you may think. Having thanked your generous landlady in person and reciprocated where possible, writing a letter is not strictly necessary.
But far be it from Miss Manners to deter you from self-improvement, nor from what is apparently much-needed letter-writing practice. Berating oneself or laying out excuses is not, as you say, a gracious way to start a letter of thanks. Rather, you should address the accumulated kindness your landlady has shown.
For your efforts, next year you may find yourself rewarded with some mashed potatoes to go with those plates of turkey.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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