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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What exactly are the rules for saving seats at an informal event where seats are not assigned?

When I was invited to my nephew's martial arts presentation, I arrived half an hour early to save seats for my family of five (three of us were present) because the others were coming from work and couldn't arrive early.

A woman came and sat in one of the saved seats, even though my jacket was on the seat, and I politely told her that it was reserved.

There was no admission fee for the event, and there were plenty of other seats available, although admittedly my saved seats had a better view, which is why I arrived early.

The woman refused to move and passive-aggressively had her teenage sons come and sit next to her and basically half-sit on my lap. I ended up moving because I was uncomfortable and had to stand in the back and miss the action and opportunity to take photos. It truly ruined my night. Was I wrong to assume I could save the seats?

GENTLE READER: It is when whole front rows are saved at the middle school play that Miss Manners declares rudeness.

Her made-up but reasonable-sounding rule is this: No more than one seat saved per person already seated. So your situation qualified.

But just for free, she will give you another tip: Save seats in between the three of you, instead of at the end (i.e.: person, empty seat, person, empty seat, person). Others will be less likely to want to climb in between and sit next to strangers.

Then, when the rest of your party gets there, move over. It helps if copious amounts of bags and coats are piled up on the empty seats -- and makes it more convincing that those who are absent are just in the bathroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a coffee shop with my spouse when a couple of neighbors entered. They approached us and said hello.

I would have liked for them to have joined us because we occasionally cat-sit for each other, and I want to remain on good terms with them. Also, I was feeling social.

But I didn't know how to word the invitation. "Would you like to join us?" seems to leave them no good way out if they do not happen to feel like socializing. Does Miss Manners have any suggestion regarding how to proceed in such circumstances?

GENTLE READER: "We would love to have you join us" has a subtle difference to it. Since it is a statement and not a question, your neighbors have options, including answering without answering.

They could 1. accept, 2. say, "Thank you, but we have a pressing matter to discuss, and we don't want to bore you" or, less desirably, 3. say "Thank you," go get their coffee and just never return. Miss Manners hopes for your sake that if they choose the third, it is not also how they approach sitting your cat.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN