ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I live together, with roommates, in a big house. We share the cooking, and due to shift work and other reasons, dinner can be anywhere between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m.

Usually, when dinner is ready, whoever cooked it will send a message in the group chat to call everyone to the table. (People might be spread out on three different floors, or outside.)

Recently, my boyfriend and I went out for the day to a place a couple of hours away. The weather was great, and we had an amazing day of hiking. We didn't get home until 8 p.m. and hadn't had dinner yet.

I offered to heat up some leftovers, and my boyfriend said he would take a shower in the meantime. He saw me heating up the food and he knew it wouldn't take long.

I assumed he would join me for dinner right after his shower. When I set the table, a roommate walked in and said she would join me for dinner. I was tired from being outside hiking all day in the sun. I sat down and ate, talked to my roommate and spaced out a bit.

I kept assuming BF would come and join us, but he never did. Without my realizing it, an hour went by and he never ate. I finally found him three floors up in bed. I asked why he didn't come eat, and he said, "No one invited me (in the chat), and apparently no one missed me or expected me."

I was hurt: I had made dinner for him, and I always want him to join me. For him to passive-aggressively say that I didn't care hurt my feelings. I told him he knew I was preparing food and that a formal invitation was therefore not necessary.

He said that I should have invited him if I wanted him to be there. So we got stuck on "You should have come" and "You should have asked." Was I wrong not to invite him?

GENTLE READER: You were both tired, you were both wrong, and you were both cranky. Get some sleep.

Tomorrow morning, you can apologize to each other. For good measure, you should both apologize to the roommate as well. Miss Manners does not know if you did anything to her, but given the state you were in, there could well be a letter from her at the bottom of the mailbag, so we might as well save some time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be attending a banquet soon, and wonder if a habit I have picked up is acceptable. The habit is turning my plate to the left or the right while eating.

I'm not sure why I do it -- maybe to get my fork into a better angle. Would others at the table find that annoying?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but if we can leave it at that, you might just get away with it.

Speaking about yourself so clinically -- as if you have no control over your actions -- sounds as if you may soon switch to describing your actions in the second person or the first-person plural. That, others will certainly find annoying.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN