ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few of my cousins have gotten married recently, and they requested that no children attend their weddings, aside from the ones performing the roles of ring bearer and flower girl.

This request would have been completely foreign when I was growing up. I have found the situation awkward, especially for family weddings, since my children are just as much members of the family as I am.

My husband and I have attended two such family weddings so far. During one reception, one of my aunts (with her adult daughters present at the table with us) innocently asked us if it was nice to be there without the kids. I responded honestly that I did not like it, and that it was weird that they were excluded.

Our oldest is old enough to be fully aware that he's being excluded, and he feels left out. My youngest is young enough that she wouldn't require a meal at the reception. Most of our children are old enough not to be disruptive.

Our pediatrician thinks this is a bad practice. On a personal level, I don't understand the motivation. I have always enjoyed children at weddings, and felt that my own wedding would have been missing something if there weren't children on the dance floor. Not to mention the fact that they are people, too, who have feelings that can be hurt.

I am very curious to hear your thoughts about whether or not it is appropriate, from an etiquette perspective, to host a wedding with no children invited as a blanket rule. Also, how should a family like mine, with multiple children, respond?

GENTLE READER: It is equally perplexing to Miss Manners why children would be unwelcome at a family wedding. She finds them (mostly) charming, and their imperfections make a sweet addition to the occasion. Plus, they usually make for a good story or two.

However, there are some for whom the chance of a child ruining their "special day" is too great a risk. (Never mind that this kind of "me first" attitude mimics the very childish behavior that they are trying to avoid.)

It is certainly inconvenient for families, but as long as the ban is equitable, Miss Manners does not object on the grounds of etiquette.

That your pediatrician has an opinion on it, however, is concerning. Perhaps it would be best not to share with the doctor your children's social interactions on the playground -- or in their dating lives, later on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it better manners to subtly inform your colleague they have something in their teeth prior to seeing clients? Or is it better manners for everyone to not say anything?

GENTLE READER: If the spinach were in your teeth, which would you choose?

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN