Many Ways To Thank Heroic Colleagues
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a choking incident at the office today when I inhaled a cherry tomato.
One of my direct reports did the Heimlich maneuver and helped loosen it, and then one of the guys from another department joined in to keep the tomato moving. As I recovered, a secretary from down the hall put a cold compress on my neck and forehead.
I want to thank them, but don't quite know the right thing to do. Any suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Ummm ... Thank them?
Whether you do it in person or in a letter is up to you. But constantly bringing it up in meetings and office parties, telling everyone that these people are national heroes who saved your life, Miss Manners thinks, would be the best way of all.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last decade, I lost my mobility and now use a wheelchair. The family of my partner still invites both of us to family events at their home, even though it is inaccessible to me. They are aware that while I used to be able to walk up the steps to their home and navigate spaces without the wheelchair, I am no longer able to.
I can't figure out if they still invite me so I know they aren't trying to exclude me, or if they think that if I only tried hard enough, I could change the medical issues that make the wheelchair a necessity.
I am struggling with how to feel. I thought that your insight would be helpful on how to treat invitations from friends who know that you cannot access the space they are inviting you to.
GENTLE READER: Well ... You could presume that they are not trying to subliminally insult you, and just ask if there is another way to access their house.
Miss Manners is not trying to insult you herself. She just thinks that if you assume the best, you may also be able to solve the problem. Or not. But at least this way, you will have alerted them to the fact that there is one.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone donates to an online campaign to finance an expensive, but potentially life-saving, surgery for an acquaintance, friend or family member, and then -- while the beneficiary is under the knife -- he at last receives approval from his health insurer for coverage of the surgery, which had until then been denied, is it good manners, or even ethical, for the beneficiary to donate the campaign donations to a nonprofit of their choosing? Even if the beneficiary has mentioned in his plea for funds that any extra would go to said nonprofit?
GENTLE READER: Well, he did warn you.
The scrutiny of any future requests, Miss Manners believes, is what will really hurt him -- and the rest of your circle -- the next time a lifesaving surgery is needed.
If your rightful indignation will allow you to say it politely, you could mention this to him. Just be prepared for pushback and the assurance that the money will go not only toward his worthy nonprofit, but also for his recovery. Which you can then only hope does not take place at a lavish seaside resort.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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