ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just received a delivery notice that two bottles of wine are on the way to me. This is the fourth such delivery, from a financial professional who manages some of my accounts. I have always sent a nice thank-you afterwards.

The problem: I don't drink wine! I just give it to someone who does appreciate it.

What bothers me is that while I am not an alcoholic, I have close friends and family who are. I think it is quite thoughtless for a professional hoping to curry favor to send a gift that could be really offensive, or even harmful, to someone. What if he sent a box of cigars to someone who was trying to quit smoking?

My husband says, "People just give wine. Nobody thinks about it." Should I just keep saying "thank you" and not mentioning that it ends up in other hands?

GENTLE READER: Not all presents succeed, which is a good reason not to direct them to people you know nothing about, as a business ploy.

Kind-hearted folks keep telling Miss Manners that donating to charity in other people's honor should, in effect, replace the custom of giving presents. Those having an event -- a wedding, birthday party or such -- that is associated with presents, but who don't want stuff, often suggest making a charitable donation instead. Those who don't know what to give make donations in the names of people to whom they owe presents.

And donating to charity is the common solution for disposing of unwanted presents, but that is kind of problematic in this particular case. It often is, when the recipient has no interest in -- or even objects to -- the charity.

And what a shame it would be to destroy the ancient custom of exchanging symbols of thoughtfulness.

If this were from friends, it would be unkind to let them know how thoughtless their presents were. But a business acquaintance who is not expected to know your preferences may be thanked and then told, "Actually, we do not drink."

And your husband is correct that wine has become merely a default offering, especially as host presents. Never mind that this used to be considered insulting -- not because of anything related to alcohol problems, but because it insinuated that the host's wine wouldn't be drinkable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I retired a few years ago. I use words like stewardess, actress and waitress. My sister tells me that these words are no longer in use.

Are these words obsolete? Has the woke mob been tampering with our dictionary?

GENTLE READER: Surely you must have been wide awake enough to notice that the person who delivered your peanuts on an airplane was sometimes male, and that another male sometimes took your order at the local eatery.

Yes, various jobs are no longer gender-specific.

Miss Manners would be sorry to think that retirement had left you oblivious to the dynamics of life, which, indeed, lexicographers must follow. You may not always like the way the world evolves, but to deny it is to condemn yourself to social stagnation.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN