The System Works -- The System Called Reciprocity
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 81, and IÕm not exactly sure when this problem began, but some people always seem to be looking for slights from others. I am sure they can always find something, but I believe it is the source of much unhappiness.
We invited people to dinner whose company we enjoyed. We sent wedding gifts, birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to people we liked, if we found something we thought they would like.
Did they reciprocate? I donÕt know. I'm sure many did, but I have no idea who didnÕt, and I couldn't care less. I enjoyed doing it, and that was my reward. If we enjoyed someoneÕs presence, then that was the reciprocity.
I assume they would have declined our invitation if they didnÕt enjoy our company as well. I am not a mind reader, so I canÕt determine what reason someone might have for not reciprocating. And I suppose I was too busy enjoying my life to try to keep score.
I think having expectations of how others may respond to anything, and issuing invitations with expectations attached, can only lead to disappointment.
GENTLE READER: By all means, continue to enjoy your life. Miss Manners will not stop you. In general, she agrees that people are too quick to look for slights.
But feeling appreciated for kind gestures and hoping that invitations will be reciprocated is not a new, unusual or irrational problem. Too much one-sidedness can deplete both enthusiasm and resources -- and wanting a roughly reciprocal relationship is not unreasonable.
So continue your blissful and altruistic existence, but in doing so, please be patient with those you deem less enlightened -- the ones who like to know if their generosity was appreciated (or received at all). They are not the problem.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A tenured colleague routinely solicits the faculty to contribute to group gifts. This colleague sends the requests not only to those of us with tenure, but also to subordinates whose jobs are dependent on the approval of tenured faculty members (including the solicitor).
My colleagueÕs email solicitation "suggests" the amount to be contributed ($50 for a gift, for example) and asks that contributions not be made anonymously. The email states that the sender wants to be able to ÒconfirmÓ the contribution.
Those of us with tenure can safely ignore the requests or simply make anonymous contributions, but those without job protection do not share that luxury. Is there a way around this conundrum?
GENTLE READER: Yes. Tell your colleague to stop it.
Forgive Miss Manners for stating the obvious, but as you are a colleague and not a subordinate, you are in a position to be able to appeal to this person's sense of equity.
Forcing people who work for you to give you and others presents is unethical. Appeal to your colleagueÕs better instincts as an educator and discourage this practice immediately.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is the proper time to attach an anniversary band to your wifeÕs wedding band?
GENTLE READER: While you are still married.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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