Dear Anna,

I was 23 when I finally got my own place. There was this attractive guy who lived down the hall from me and we had some flirty exchanges that eventually led to a hookup. Just a one-time thing, and afterward we'd only exchange quick hellos if we ran into each other. A few months later, I met my current boyfriend, who I've been with for about seven months now. We did have the "number of past partners" conversation, but we never got into specific names or details about who they were.

Well, last Friday disaster struck when my boyfriend and this neighbor ended up in the same elevator as we were heading to my apartment. My boyfriend later commented that the neighbor seemed cool and asked why I never tried to be friends with him. Without thinking, I blurted out that we had actually hooked up. He was completely blindsided and furious. I've tried to apologize and explain, but he's not answering my calls or texts. I want to make it clear that I have zero feelings for my neighbor and would have no problem avoiding him completely for the sake of my relationship. How can I make this right and salvage my relationship? I'm heartbroken thinking I might lose someone important over something that happened before we even met. — Wishing He'd Immediately Talk & Heal

Dear WHITH,

Let me start by affirming what matters most here: You did nothing wrong. Having a past is normal, and the timing of this revelation doesn't change the fact that you've been faithful and committed throughout your relationship.

Your boyfriend's reaction, while painful to experience, comes from a place of emotional surprise rather than anything you said. Finding out about a past partner is one thing, but unexpectedly coming face-to-face with someone you've been intimate with — and learning about it in that moment — created a perfect storm of jealousy, insecurity and shock for him.

The proximity factor is likely the biggest issue here. While most people understand intellectually that their partners have dating histories, having that history literally living down the hall creates an ongoing reminder that can trigger jealousy. Your boyfriend is likely imagining every hallway encounter, every elevator ride and every “hello” in a new and uncomfortable light.

Give him a little space right now. When someone is processing intense emotions, pushing for immediate resolution can sometimes backfire. Send one thoughtful message making these key points:

—This happened before you knew he existed

—There have been no interactions beyond neighborly courtesy since

—You respect his feelings and understand why this revelation was jarring

—You're ready to talk when he is

After sending this message, allow him some cooling-off time. This demonstrates respect for his emotional process while setting the expectation that communication will eventually need to resume.

When you do talk, listen more than you speak initially. Let him express his concerns fully. Some questions to think about when it comes to solutions:

—Would he feel better if you took steps to minimize interactions with your neighbor?

—Would more transparency about hookups help build trust?

—What reassurances would be meaningful to him?

During your talk, just be real about where you two stand. No need to say sorry for having had sex with someone before he existed, but yeah, acknowledge that this whole situation is awkward.

Keep in mind that behind all that jealousy is usually someone who's just scared of losing you. Your boyfriend probably freaked out because he really cares and suddenly felt threatened. With some patience and honest conversation, you can help him see that your old hookup has zero impact on how you feel about him now.

This whole mess should blow over in a little while. If you handle it right, you might actually come out stronger — you'll learn how to deal with weird situations together, and reiterate what you both mean to each other. Sometimes the uncomfortable stuff is what actually brings you closer in the long run.

And if he can't move past it after you've given it time and had honest conversations? That tells you something important about his trust issues or insecurities. A relationship needs resilience to survive the real world, and this is a pretty normal bump in the road that healthy couples should be able to work through.

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