Dear Anna,

I've been with my girlfriend for eight months, and I'm starting to feel like I'm competing with her phone for her attention — but not in the way you'd expect. She's become obsessed with AI chatbots. At first I thought it was just a novelty thing, but now when she's stressed about work, upset with her family, or even excited about something, her first instinct is to open the app and start typing away instead of talking to me.

Last week, she was having a panic attack about a presentation, and instead of letting me comfort her, she spent 40 minutes “talking” to this AI about her feelings. When I asked her about it later, she said she likes the chats because she "doesn't feel judged," unlike with humans. Me? I feel ridiculous being jealous of AI, but I'm genuinely worried that she's replacing real human connection with this algorithm that just tells her what she wants to hear. Am I overreacting, or is this actually a problem? Am I not meeting her emotional needs? — Losing to a Bot

Dear LTB,

You're not being ridiculous — this is a legitimate relationship issue, even if it involves technology most of us are still figuring out. Your girlfriend has found an emotional outlet that feels safer and more convenient than human connection. It’s not just her. Apparently, it’s a thing, particularly among Gen Z. But the real issue is that it’s creating distance between you two.

The appeal of AI chatbots is obvious: they're available 24/7, never get tired of “listening,” and don't have their own emotions or bad days to navigate. For someone who struggles with feeling judged, it's like having a therapist who never challenges you or asks hard questions. What a boon! But that's also the problem — real relationships have friction, and even require it to grow.

Your girlfriend's comment about not feeling judged is the key here. She's telling you that somewhere in your interactions, she's picking up on judgment or criticism, whether you intend it or not. This doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong per se, but it's worth examining how you respond when she shares problems with you. Do you jump to solutions? Get frustrated when she vents about the same issues repeatedly? Offer advice when she just wants to be heard?

To suss this out, you’ll need to have a direct conversation with her about her needs. Instead of focusing on the AI, tell her you've noticed she seems more comfortable sharing with the chatbot than with you, and ask what would help her feel more supported in your relationship. Maybe she needs you to listen without offering solutions, or perhaps she needs reassurance that her anxiety doesn't burden you.

You might also suggest some boundaries around the AI use — not because it's inherently bad, but because it's replacing the emotional intimacy you're trying to build together. If she's spending her most vulnerable moments with an algorithm, there's less opportunity for you two to develop that deeper connection.

If she's genuinely unable to be emotionally present with you after you've made these adjustments, that might tell you something important about her relationship readiness or her ability to go deeper at this time. Some people aren't ready for the messiness and vulnerability that comes with long-term human connection, and that's not something you can fix for her.

TL;DR: You’re not competing with the AI — but you should be focused on being the kind of partner who makes human connection feel worth the risk.

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