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Dear Eric: I am a recently retired woman who is appreciating my morning routine at the gym. I love the group exercise classes. My issue is with one woman who insists on counting very loudly with the instructor, slipping in loud singing with the music and thinking she is entertaining during class.

She does it during every class twice a week. The first few months of classes I let it slide. I finally, diplomatically, took her aside and told her that her loud counting and singing is very distracting to some of us taking the class.

I told her she doesn’t have to stop but just be considerate of the volume she uses because some of us find it distracting, especially during our balancing exercises. She couldn’t believe I would say that to her and told some of her friends in class.

I’m not the only one who doesn’t appreciate her behavior. She has been in class sporadically since and when she comes, she still counts, sings and now yells out, “Did you miss me?” What can you recommend other than grin and bear it?

– The Count’s Enemy

Dear The Count’s Enemy: Wow, this is so enervating. And her response? Yikes. What you did is what I would suggest to anybody else in your situation – you communicated clearly about your experience; you were fair and not demanding. For her to respond with childish taunts suggests there’s something else going on with her. Something that may go beyond being diplomatic.

Because she, presumably, pays her gym dues and, also presumably, this kind of behavior isn’t explicitly against the rules of the gym, your hands are a bit tied. However, I’d talk to the instructor, express your discomfort and ask for help. They might have a bit more leverage to keep the class in line.

Dear Eric: My husband’s friend recently started to kiss me on the lips when greeting me. This never happened before in all the years we’ve known each other. I don’t like it. His lips are cold and slimy. My husband doesn’t kiss his wife in greeting. How can I get him to stop without hurting his feelings?

– Forced Into Sloppy Kiss

Dear Forced: His feelings are his responsibility in this case. You can and should be clear with him about where he’s crossing the line. What’s most important is that you are able to express your bodily autonomy and be heard and respected.

So, say to him, “I’ve noticed that you’ve started kissing me on the lips. I’m not comfortable with that. I’d like to greet each other like this instead.” And here you can choose a greeting that makes you most comfortable – a hug, a handshake, a wave.

You don’t have to be kissed, if you don’t want to kiss. You don’t have to be touched, if you don’t want to be touched. After you’ve expressed yourself, ask him if he understands. If he does it again, after agreeing to stop, you’ll know you have a trust issue with this person, and you’ll need to put more physical distance between you.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to “Ruffled by Guest”, who invited a new acquaintance to a small dinner party and was offended that the acquaintance wasn’t very responsive in one-on-one conversation. Great question from a reader and your response was very helpful to the writer.

During my 42-year career I engaged with CEO and president-level individuals for a multi-billion-dollar corporation.

My greatest learning came from a CEO in 1988. While talking with him to gain understanding of his role in an investigation complaint, he told me, “meeting someone new tends to bring out interview skills vs. conversation skills.”

It sounded to me, the host of the party kept pressing questions first, like an interviewer. Sounds like the guest didn’t understand the purpose of the lunch was to become friends versus a nice little meal together.

Thanks for considering a different perspective.

– Communication is Key

Dear Communication: Figuring out whether you’re conducting (or the subject of) an interview or a conversation is a crucial distinction. There’s nothing wrong with either, but sometimes we'll think that we’re not getting what we want from a conversation and it’s helpful to stop and ask, “Am I actually conducting an interview?” Now, of course, it takes two to have a conversation. Sometimes the other person just isn’t engaged. It could be about vibe and connection, or it could be related to the circumstances. This brings me to your second point – when hosting, it’s helpful to make clear what your hopes and intentions are for the gathering, and to make space for other people’s hopes and intentions. There’s nothing wrong with stating it up top: “I had hoped to have you all over so that we could be better friends.”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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