ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My mother-in-law and father-in-law won two prizes in a raffle one Christmas. We were shown these prizes. Twelve months later, we traveled 2,500 miles to visit them for Christmas again. On Christmas morning, my husband and I received these raffle prizes for Christmas presents. We don't believe they had forgotten that they had shown us the duffle bag and cheap towels the previous year.

I could write a book regaling you with the number of times we have been subjected to passive-aggressive swipes, stories of how my husband's sister is getting a new this or that; or a bigger house, a new car, or that they are earning “lots of money.”

We stopped telling them anything years ago, because my husband said it only arms them. We stopped exchanging gifts at my suggestion, and that we all just buy for the children of the family.

My husband's father died the year before last, and in many ways, he is now free; his mother moved back to her home country. However, he has since discovered his parents had disinherited him, for absolutely no good reason after he suffered a heart attack. My husband is the nicest person I know, and he says this about me, too. I guess my question is why do people do this?

– Disinherited

Dear Disinherited: I’m so sorry for what you and your husband went through. It’s not fair and it’s unkind. One of the hard things about being human is that while we can sometimes put reasons to other humans’ unkind or cruel behavior – their own trauma, envy, illness, et cetera – that doesn’t answer the underlying question: why is this happening to me?

It can be maddening to try to make sense of other people’s behavior by figuring out what we’re doing to cause it. And that’s often a very dangerous path to go down. If we’ve done a self-inventory and if we’ve reached out and said, “did I do something to harm you?” and we still don’t have an answer, it’s healthy to step away and say, “this is not something that’s actually about me.”

That sounds like what you and your husband did. It was the right thing. His parents failed to effectively communicate what they wanted or expected, so how could he be held responsible for fulfilling those wants?

Some parts of this hurt may never fully go away, but I’d encourage your husband to work through his grief and confusion with a counselor or a grief support group. He doesn’t have to do this alone.

Dear Eric: My best friend for the past 25 years might be over. We were like sisters who shared everything, went through good times and bad, though financial difficulties and life’s dreams. As she came into money she changed. She was always bragging.

Her husband has a disabling mental disease. My grandchild who’s in elementary school was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She disappeared. No calls or texts, only gaslighting when I asked her why she hadn't. She knows the close relationship I have with my grandkids (though she’s always told me I shouldn’t). She has no grandchildren; she’s already tossed one of her siblings away.

We always helped her with her husband and that changed the past six months and her attitude toward us became distant.

I confronted her telling her I felt her only focus was around herself and those who can help her, that she was not here for me when I needed her the most. Her response was I was using her as an emotional punching bag, my reply was I was emotionally neglected.

I suggested a break. She agreed.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with a treatable cancer and need her friendship but at what cost? She has her A-team friends (money, higher education and positions). We’re the B-team! She had the A team over and told us she’s going to have a lot of leftovers we should come the next day! I’m tired of leftover food and leftover friendships. Do you think this relationship is over?

– Leftover Friend

Dear Friend: I’m very sorry for all the medical traumas that you and your family are navigating. It’s very hard. And it’s made harder because your support system, at least the part of it that includes this friend, isn’t supporting you.

You write that you need her friendship, but is the friendship that she offers really what you need? I’d suggest that you do need friendship and support, but that you would be wise to seek it out from other friends and relatives. Be clear about how people can show up for you and what you need. But this friend hasn’t shown through her actions or her words that she’s willing or able to be there for you. So don’t chase her.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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