“In your opinion, why am I still single? I want love to find me!!”

This is a text message I received recently from a frustrated client of mine.

I actually get this question more often than one might think. I replied, “This sounds like a question that can’t be answered over text. But I’ll start here: You’ve had relationships before, so you’re not ‘still’ single. And I have no doubt you could be with someone right now—many people. But you’re not looking to just be with anyone, just to say you’re in love; you want someone great. A real fit for you. And that connection takes time.”

When dating—whether you’ve been single for a month, a year or 20 years—it’s important to remember a few things:

1. You’re not “still” single. Let’s get rid of “still” from our thinking, meaning you are lacking or somehow behind in life. You are most certainly not. Instead, let’s try “single and available” or “single and looking.” That has a much more positive connotation. Along those lines, it’s important to stop viewing being single as something to fear or to fix. It’s your current state. That’s all.

2. Love will not just find you, as the person in the text supposedly wants. Just like when searching for a job, a new job will not come knocking at your door, ready to start tomorrow, with all of the benefits and salary worked out. Neither will love. Actually, forget love for a second. The goal is a date. A singular date. And then another. And another. That’s how relationships are formed. And all of this takes time and effort.

Dating, and subsequently, finding love takes time and effort. So what should you be doing with that time in order to get yourself out there? While it seems obvious, online dating is a great place to start. And I don’t mean just slapping up a profile and expecting great things. I mean taking your time to choose the best pictures of you, writing a profile that represents the unique person you are, and proactively swiping, sending messages and planning dates.

You could also join a group for something you’re interested in, like hiking or painting or dining out. Or ask your friends to start telling you when they find interesting events in the area so you can tag along.

3. The goal is not to find just any partner; it’s to find the right partner. Don’t be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, or worse, saying you’re in a relationship. I can’t imagine anything worse than committing to someone just to be with someone or to overcome the pressure from society, friends/family, or yourself.

4. Stop comparing yourself. Your friends have different criteria and standards than you do. I love my friends, but I probably wouldn’t have picked most of their spouses! This is not a race to be won. Being in a relationship is not the prize. Happiness is.

5. Aim to enjoy being single. No one is meant to complete you; someone should only complement you. And being in a relationship cannot, and should not, not *make* you happy. That’s your responsibility. So do the things you love and become the best version of yourself. That, in turn, will make you a better match for someone in the future.

In the end, being single isn’t an enemy or a curse. Rather, it’s an opportunity to better yourself, figure out what you’re looking for, and then set out to find it. So you’re not “still single,” which has a negative connotation. You’re “single and available,” which means that the world is full of opportunities for you.

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