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Ask Dating Coach Erika

Erika Ettin, Tribune News Service on

Published in Dating Advice

As a dating coach, I often get questions ranging from the early stages of dating—messaging on the apps, texting, date planning—to the early stages of a relationship.

Here are a few from this past week:

Question: Dated for 6 months; he broke it off and said that the timing wasn't right but hopes one day it will. Was it genuine?

Answer: I don't want to sound cold, but in the end, it doesn't matter if it was genuine or not because the outcome is the same: He broke up with you. The only difference is that one gives you hope.

Take solace in the fact that he recognized that he couldn't give you what you need and cut it off because of that. It still hurts, of course. Likely a lot. That I understand. But I would not wait for his timing to be right. I would live your life and do the things you need to do to move forward.

Question: How rude is it to tell someone the kiss was off? Vibes otherwise are perf!

Answer: Very. If you tell someone, "The kiss was off," they will probably not want to kiss you again.

Rather, tell them what you like. "When we kiss next time, I thought it would be fun/sexy to try ___." Or better yet, when you are kissing, you can direct the other person a bit: "Can we try using a little less tongue? I think that would feel really good." (Or whatever it is.)

Positive reinforcement will get you far. Most people just want to do the thing that makes you happy.

Question: How do I disclose my divorce - best time/place, etc?

Answer: I get questions like this a lot, not just about divorce, but about anything (health, family relations, etc.). And always with the word "disclose."

I would like you to think of things less as a disclosure and more "sharing an impactful part of my life." A disclosure indicates shame or embarrassment or something the person is not going to like. Sharing, on the other hand, implies that this person has gained your trust enough that you feel comfortable to let them into an intimate part of your life.

So share when you feel comfortable.

 

Question: Boyfriend of seven months. I want to be more a priority. How to ask?

Answer: Has this person's behavior changed or has it always been like this?

I ask because if the behavior has changed, it's something worth talking about. But if everything has been the same and you now want more, that's different because you have implicitly accepted the amount of priority you have been getting. I hope that makes sense.

Regardless, if someone is your boyfriend, I want you to feel comfortable bringing up anything and everything on your mind. Why the fear? Because you're afraid that he won't be able to give it to you and then you'll have to decide if you should walk away? I would rather you know that now.

And when you do discuss it, I would bring up exactly what you mean versus a vague "priority." How do you want to be prioritized? What kind of time are you talking? What actual actions?

Question: Going great in the first few dates! Worried about it not working out. How to manage the anxiety?

Answer: Try not to be so attached to something "working out" because no one has a crystal ball. Rather, continue getting to know each other at the pace you are. Also, it's important to accept that things might not work how you want them to. And you will be just fine. I promise. Accepting that the worst could happen could release some of that anxiety for you and let you actually enjoy the moment.

What you have are facts. And the facts are that your dates are going well. And all you need to know is that you have one more date on the calendar. If you do, all is good.

Question: How late is it acceptable to be for a date without texting the person you're meeting?

Answer: Sounds like your date was late with no notice, which is rude. Some people say 5 minutes. I say 1 minute. If you're meeting at 6 p.m., and you're going to be there 6:02 or later, just give a quick heads up. "Running 5 minutes behind. Sorry for the delay!"

Now, if someone does this to you, have no fear about saying, "Next time if you're running late, would you mind giving me a quick heads up so I can plan accordingly?" It's OK to respect yourself and your time.


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