Dear Anna,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and recently moved in together. Everything was going great until we started sharing a bed regularly. He claims that my breathing keeps him awake at night — not snoring, just my normal breathing sounds. At first I thought he was joking, but he's completely serious.

He's started sleeping on the couch in the living room, which makes me feel rejected and honestly scared. I've always been anxious about sleeping alone, and now I lie awake worrying about our relationship instead of getting rest. When I sleep poorly, it affects my whole day and my mood.

I've suggested several compromises: a white noise machine, earplugs for him, or even separate beds in the same room. He refuses all of these options, saying they're uncomfortable or won't work. He insists the only solution is for him to sleep on the couch.

I'm starting to feel like he's being unreasonable. Normal breathing shouldn't be that disruptive, and his unwillingness to try any solutions makes me wonder if this is really about something else. At the same time, I don't want to force someone to be uncomfortable in their own home.

Is this a legitimate sleep issue I should be more understanding about, or is he being unreasonable? How do we find a solution that works for both of us? I'm worried this seemingly small issue is going to damage our relationship. — Sleepless And Confused

Dear SAD,

Your frustration is understandable, and this situation highlights how seemingly minor incompatibilities can create major relationship stress when people don’t feel heard or prioritized.

Sleep sensitivity is real — some people genuinely struggle with sounds, temperature or light others barely notice. Your boyfriend may truly have this discomfort, though it’s a little strange that in two years the issue never came up. Had you never slept in the same bed before moving in?? (Seems unlikely.) That said, your need for emotional security and togetherness in your shared home is equally important, and his rigid refusal to explore solutions suggests deeper issues at play.

The most concerning aspect isn't the breathing sensitivity itself, but his unwillingness to problem-solve together. Healthy relationships require give and take, especially when one partner's comfort significantly impacts the other's well-being. His carte blanche rejection of white noise machines, earplugs and separate beds is concerning. Because if something this small can derail the whole train, how will you be able to navigate weightier relationship issues down the road?

Here's what you can try: Have another calm, direct conversation during daylight hours. Express that while you respect his sleep needs, his current solution is harming your emotional well-being and the relationship. Propose a trial period for each potential solution: one week with a white noise machine, one week with earplugs, etc. Frame it as teamwork rather than criticism.

If he continues refusing to try anything, you'll need to have a more serious conversation about what his inflexibility really means. Someone unwilling to try a white noise app or foam earplugs to preserve his partner's comfort and security is sending a not-great message about his priorities. This may reflect deeper issues like conflict avoidance, intimacy concerns or simply not valuing your emotional needs as much as his physical comfort.

While we’re on the subject, you might also explore your own anxiety around sleeping alone. (I say this as someone who has the same issue. Many people do.) Developing some independence and coping mechanisms in this area — with a therapist or on your own — could benefit both your personal growth and relationship resilience.

Set a timeline for resolution. Living arrangements that leave one partner feeling rejected and scared aren't sustainable long-term. If he won't engage in finding solutions, you'll need to evaluate whether this is a deal breaker for you or if it’s something you can learn to live with.

As relationship expert and renowned researcher Dr. John Gottman has noted, the difference between happy and unhappy couples is their ability to repair things when they go wrong. Right now, your boyfriend isn't participating in repair efforts.

Remember that compromise doesn't mean you should accept feeling unwanted in your own bedroom indefinitely. A loving partner should be motivated to find solutions when their actions cause their significant other distress, even if the original issue seems minor to outside observers.

The breathing may be the surface issue, but his approach to solving problems together will likely predict how you'll handle future challenges. You deserve a partner who works with you to create a living situation where you both feel comfortable, secure and valued.

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