Dear Anna,

I’m 28 and have been seeing a guy around my age for a few months. We clicked fast in conversation — texting every day and even saying good night, sharing long voice notes, that kind of early-stage excitement — but because of work and conflicting schedules, we’ve only managed a handful of actual dates.

Last week was my birthday, and I invited him to stop by for a low-key dinner with a few friends. Nothing intense — I was clear he could come as a friend, no “meet the inner circle” energy. He said he’d “probably swing by,” then on the day didn’t show. And it’s been pretty much radio silence since then.

I told him a few days later that I’d felt a little let down. He replied that he prefers to keep things “easy and unplanned,” and that he doesn’t want expectations put on him this early. Since then, I haven’t really heard from him at all. It’s been a few days of nothing.

I like him, and I don’t want to smother a slow-burn connection. But I’m also noticing the imbalance. I don’t want to chase someone who’s half-in, half-out, but I also don’t know how to pace myself with someone this cautious and inconsistent. How do you stay emotionally grounded with someone who moves slowly and keeps you at arm’s length? And how do you tell the difference between “slow pace” and “low effort”? — Trying to Invest Effectively, Decisively

Dear TIED,

There’s a special kind of hell that comes from dating someone who is warm in the abstract but lukewarm in real life. You’re getting the daily chatter, the good-night texts, the little hits of intimacy that make your brain go, Ah yes, connection! — but then when it comes time for actual presence, he dissolves like a ghost whose shift just ended.

Let’s start here: Behavior is the truth-teller. Not intention. Not vibe. Not the philosophical haze of “taking things as they come.” Behavior is the most reliable metric in dating.

And his behavior — skipping your birthday, going silent for days, treating communication as optional — tells you that you aren’t a big priority. Not because you’re not worthy of being prioritized, but because this is simply not the rhythm he is willing to show up for.

People who genuinely want to know you but are more slower-burn types still move, just slower and more deliberately. They don’t vanish. They don’t keep you at arm’s length while enjoying the perks of electronic closeness. They don’t outsource all momentum to you. They say: “I like this, I want this, but I need time.” And crucially, they pair that with consistent action.

Low effort/investment is: “I might show up to your birthday, I might disappear, the wind will decide.”

One is intentional. The other is passive avoidance dressed in a weather metaphor. (Sorry.)

What to do now? Have a clarifying conversation. Nothing dramatic, nothing scary, nothing designed to “make him realize.” Just honest information-sharing. Something like:

“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but the pace feels unclear for me, and I don’t want to guess. What kind of connection are you actually available for right now?”

You’re giving him a chance to articulate something he may not have taken the time to articulate even to himself. And you’re giving yourself the gift of no longer living in ambiguity. Be prepared for him to say he’s not ready for anything more than casual right now. And if that’s the case — believe him.

Believe what he says and what he shows. Believe the whole picture. Not the potential. Not the “spark.” Not the version of him that exists in your head on the days he’s communicative. Believe the actual data of how he moves in your life.

Because so many dating heartbreaks don’t come from what someone did — they come from the gap between who they actually are and who we’re hoping they might turn into with enough time, patience, and emotional scaffolding on our (usually women’s, let’s be honest) part.

You don’t need to adjust yourself to accommodate someone else’s emotional minimalism. You don’t need to “earn” consistency from someone who is rationing it. And you don’t need to position yourself as the patient exception to someone’s chronic ambivalence.

Instead, ask yourself the most important dating question there is:“Is the way this person shows up compatible with the way I want to be loved?”

If his answer (verbal and behavioral) is yes — great. If his answer is no — also great. Because now you’re free to stop contorting yourself to match an energy that doesn’t support you. If his answer is “let’s just feel it out,” that’s a non-answer, so also a no.

Add this, too, because it’s the emotional hinge: You’re not auditioning. You’re observing. You don’t need to push. You don’t need to pull back. You just need to watch what he does when you stop compensating. If he steps forward with clarity, wonderful. If he stays blurry, that’s your clarity.

That’s the heart of it: clarity over chemistry. Reality over hope. Reciprocity over potential.

Let his answers and behavior guide you toward the kind of connection you actually want to build.

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