ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My younger sister, "Clara," moved to my town last spring after a painful breakup. She was fragile, devastated and desperate for a fresh start. I opened my home and my heart without hesitation. I drove her to job interviews, invited her for dinner several nights a week, included her in outings with friends and did everything a big sister is supposed to do.

But as the months passed, her dependence on me only grew. She calls me every morning on her way to work, again during lunch and again during her drive home. If I do not answer, she keeps calling until I finally give in. If my husband and I make plans without her, she becomes sulky and says she feels "excluded."

Recently, things escalated. I gave Clara a spare key strictly for emergencies. One evening, while I was in the shower, she let herself in and made herself comfortable on my couch with takeout and a movie. She said she was "bored and lonely" and figured I would not mind. When I calmly told her that this crossed a line, she began to cry, accused me of changing, and said she was "losing the only person who ever shows up for her."

Since then, she has been giving me the cold shoulder, which is almost a relief except for the guilt that comes with it. I love my sister. I want her to build a life here. But I am exhausted and feeling trapped in a role I never signed up for.

How do I set boundaries without blowing up our relationship? -- The Tired Sister

Dear Tired: You love your sister. That is clear. You opened your arms, your home, your calendar and your patience to help her through a painful chapter. But somewhere along the way, Clara stopped accepting support and started depending on you for her every breath. That is not love, and it is certainly not sustainable.

Here is the compassionate truth: Clara is hurting, and hurt people often cling to the steadiest person in the room. You became her anchor, but even anchors need rest. Wanting space does not mean you are abandoning her. It means you are trying to save the relationship before resentment grows in the corners.

Be honest with her in a gentle way. Tell her you care for her deeply, and because you care, you need a healthier balance. Let her know you cannot be available for multiple calls a day or drop-in visits, and that the spare key needs to return to its intended purpose. Reassure her that you are not going anywhere, but you cannot be her only lifeline.

Encourage her to widen her world, even in small steps. A class, a group, a hobby or a therapist could give her the support she is craving and take the pressure off your shoulders.

Clara may cry, and she may protest, but tears do not equal catastrophe. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is remind them they are capable of standing on their own.

Set clear limits with warmth. Hold them with consistency. That is not selfish. That is love in its most grown-up form.

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