ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems more and more of my friends' young adult children are getting tattoos. Often my friends share the news like the tattoo is some sort of accomplishment and, if the young adult is present, will summon them over to show off the new ink to (presumably) collect compliments.

While I don't begrudge others doing what they want with their bodies, I don't have tattoos myself and don't personally understand the appeal. I also admit that when someone permanently tattoos themselves at the tender age of 18 or 19, nothing in my being thinks congratulations or praise is in order.

Most of the other friends will feign interest and offer complimentary comments about the design. I usually just smile and listen. While I don't want to make up fake compliments, saying nothing doesn't feel entirely polite either. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: If there is one thing Miss Manners would think these young adults should have learned from posting personal information online, it is that showing off to others does not inspire universal admiration. Perhaps they neglected to teach their parents that attempts to solicit compliments are likely to produce snarky responses.

Not that you or any of their friends would be so rude. But neither do you have to produce false flattery. Rather, you can simply ask polite questions: "How did you choose the design?" "Will you be doing more of these?" and definitely not, "Are you nuts?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter is finishing kindergarten and will start first grade in the fall. Neither the school nor our family are celebrating this milestone with a graduation or in any way differently than we would any advancement from one grade to the next.

Our church annually celebrates graduates in the early summer with a certificate and public recognition on "graduation Sunday." I think this is a charming tradition and an important part of being in community with each other.

Because our daughter isn't graduating, I did not submit a form noting her graduation to the church secretary who organizes "graduation Sunday." This resulted in a call from the secretary, who wanted to know if she could include our daughter in the list of graduates.

I responded that she could not, because our daughter didn't graduate from anything. The secretary didn't give up, arguing that other families were listing their children who had "graduated" from preschool and kindergarten. Wouldn't our daughter feel left out?

I responded that she would likely be more confused and embarrassed (she is autistic and does not like to be singled out) at being recognized for something her school and family had not mentioned. The secretary finally gave up the point after I remained firm.

The whole interaction left me confused. Why would anyone even call a child who finished kindergarten a graduate? Doesn't graduation require earning a degree, diploma or certificate?

I love the tradition of celebrating the hard work of graduates and sending them off to the next challenge. But if all of our "graduates" are 4- and 5-year-olds, it seems to miss the point. I would love to hear Miss Manners' thoughts.

GENTLE READER: No doubt those 4- and 5-year-olds are also missing the point, as they find that it is possible to be a graduate without academic achievements.

========

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN